She's In!!!!

I spent last night in the ER with a kidney stone (boulder?) A tiny little thing that made it feel like my left kidney, and everything below it, had paid $20,000 to be killed off on Game of Thrones. I had a real moment of wondering how much Vicodin is too much Vicodin.

After trying to save myself the $150 ER copay, I gave up around 2 am and drove myself to the hospital. It probably wasn't my brightest move, but I really didn't want to load the kids in the car, and mess up their schedule for today. Thankfully, since I showed up shaking, in excruciating pain, white as a ghost, and dehydrated, the ER staff took pity on me and I was immediately hooked up to good meds and hydration.

It still amazes me that something so small (I have yet to actually see a kidney stone with my own two eyes), can make me feel that bad. It is better than all the crazy alternatives my paranoid mind usually goes to when faced with that kind of pain, though.

I was sprung from the ER around 7, and was home around 8 (after stopping at the store for some Gatorade and Advil, because the answer to the Vicodin question is it just doesn't help this sort of pain at all, and the doctors don't send you home with the good stuff.)

The fact is, I've been under a boatload of stress, lately. K's school situation for next year, or lack thereof, has definitely taken it's toll. My auto-immune issues flare up, and I just get sick like it's my job.

This morning after returning home, and before crashing on the couch, I had a conversation with another school that was offering us a program that wasn't right for K. I drifted off to sleep upset, and not wanting to face the world.

Then something magical happened. A few hours after falling asleep, my phone rang. I immediately recognized the phone number as the one school we really wanted for K. The school that seemed like the light at the end of the tunnel for us. A place that could be life changing for K. The school that had already told us there wasn't a spot for her at this time, and had been the cause of me breaking down into sobs these past few weeks more times than I'd like to admit.

I almost didn't answer. I was just too tired and too sick to hear them tell me, definitively, it was over. There were no more "maybes" to be thrown out. I just didn't have it in me to hear that, or to cry anymore, so I almost let the call go to voice mail.

At the last second, I answered. I braced myself for more bad news, but instead I was greeted by an excited voice on the other end, telling me there was good news! They had a spot for K if we still wanted it.

If I could have jumped through the phone and hugged this man, I would have. I thanked him about 20 times too many, and could barely hold an intelligent, or intelligible, conversation. I was too excited, almost not believing this was happening.

I really cannot convey the weight that has been lifted. Or how incredible it feels to not have to trudge to programs we know aren't a good fit, but might be our only options. To finally feel like something is going our way! Especially after last night, we really needed this!

Hope (real, live, hope!) has been handed to us. To K. And you know what? We deserve it!

So now I can go back to my couch  nap and look forward to waking up, instead of being afraid of facing the world. That's a really good feeling.

Reality Check

As you know, we have been going through the painstaking process of trying to find K a new school, after the district agreed to place her privately. Getting them to agree to that was a huge victory, yes, but I didn't realize just how difficult it would be to actually pick a school. I realized just yesterday, though, that the only reason it was hard was because of my own expectations, and failure to accept what was right for my child.

The first step in this process is finding K a 45 day placement. This is a school that will evaluate her needs, and at the end of the 45 days they will tell us what kind of permanent placement is appropriate. However, it could also end up that she just stays at this intial school, and so we wanted to make sure wherever we sent her, we'd be willing to send her long-term, as well.

There were lots of things my husband and I thought we wanted for her. A school with an emphasis on academics, because we didn't want her to fall even more behind. A school with other girls her age (this one we knew was a reach, but a person can dream). A school that was pretty much exactly like the public school, just with a more understanding staff, who actually got autism, and anxiety, and learning disabilities.

We were afraid of her being treated with kid gloves. How would she ever be successful in life if she wasn't pushed? If we didn't set the bar high? Sure, we wanted her in a setting that would ease her anxiety, but we failed to realize that in order for that to happen, things would really have to change. We were 100% ready to put her in a school that we worried would bring back our overly anxious, frustrated child. We were just hoping things would be OK because it was at a specialized school. In reality, though, the type of school doesn't matter, if the atmosphere is too overwhelming. Even the best staff can't magically make a child change into someone who isn't affected by what is going on around her.

Yesterday, K had the chance to visit the one option we thought was not going to be a good fit. In theory, it was perfect. A stress-free envioronment. Kids are allowed to work where they want, take breaks whenever they want, and where even the most benign sticker charts don't exist. The staff does everything in their power to make the school day as anxiety free as possible. The kids are even encouraged to bring in comfort items from home. It sounds great, but how does it prepare my kid for life? Even though we have a child whose anxiety could probably power a small village, my husband and I were still caught up in needing K to be placed somewhere that looked like a "real" school. Ironic, since "real" school didn't work for K, and we fought tooth and nail to get her out.

There was even part of me that thought K would hate the school, herself. I was fully prepared for her to charge out at some point, saying there was no way she was going there. During the hour she spent visiting the classroom (without me), I sat in the cafeteria imagining the giant meltdown she was probably having, being soemwhere that was such a bad fit.

What I was not prepared for was how she actually felt.

When I came back to the school after her visit, the first thing she did was throw her hands in the air and proclaim, I love this school! When can I come back!?

It was the first school she said that about, of the several we've visited. My husband asked if it was just because she spent more time there, which is a valid question. However, the fact that the "other" schools had things like swimming pools, and wood working shops, and class pets, and she liked this one better (which has none of those things), is very telling. The other schools she liked because of those "extras". This school she liked because of the kids, and teachers. She felt safe there. Not even the promise of a swimming pool could trump that.

It's also just a calmer environment than the other schools we've seen. The classes are very small, just 4 kids and 2 teachers, each. Pretty much everything is the opposite of what we've dealt with before, and that's probably what K needs.

It was a tough thing, to really sit down and be honest with myself about this whole school search. As much as I tell myself I've let go of all my dreams for K, clearly I haven't. I've always been honest with myself that inclusion just doesn't work for my kid, at least not now. But, I had to take that a step further, realizing any school that is going to fuel her anxiety in any way, is not a good match. It's just something else to accept. Sometimes it's hard to reconcile that the kid who just went for a bike ride alone, is still miles away from her typical peers. At least when it comes to school.

So, tomorrow K goes back for a 4 hour trial at this new school. If all goes well, that's where she'll be going. I know in my heart it's what's best...I just have to let my mind catch up. Letting go of dreams doesn't just happen in toddlerhood, when you are first faced with diagnosis. I'm just beginning to realize that now. K will be who she is meant to be, and I just have to keep reminding myself that. It's what she needs, not what I need.

Right now, she needs this school.

School Choice

I have to admit, I thought choosing a school for K would be...easier. I really thought that one would stand out against the rest. That there would practically be a giant, red arrow pointing down, letting me know, this one was it.

Right now we are choosing a school for an initial 45 day placement. We really need more data on K's emotional health, in order to determine the best permanent placement. The school we choose will be capable of collecting that data, and at the end of the 45 days, we will be told what type of environment K needs to be successful. Picking a school for this temporary placement should be easy. It's not as if we are signing K's life away. It's only for a couple months.

But, it's still excruciatingly difficult.

We toured one school that has a pool. Now, K would live in the water if she could. Water and swimming are her things. I've joked that if she could just be taught while in a pool, everything would be great!

However, this school has students that are a lot more behavioral than K. By more behavioral I mean they use swear words I don't even use, and are more aggressive. Because K has such a low tolerance, at times, for other children, and can be a very anxious kid, a more chaotic classroom just doesn't seem like the best fit.

But, they have a pool. In K's eyes, that's all that matters. She told her counselor she could just ignore the other kids, but I'm not so sure...

Of course, this school has lots of other great qualities. I like the way the school is run, the classes they offer, the fact that there are other kids her age. There's even another girl. It is also run as a school, and not so much a therapeutic center. This appeals more to my husband, for whom education is paramount, not that I disagree. I think K has a lot of potential, and though she does have some learning differences, she also needs to be somewhat challenged to move forward. She is definitely a child who rises to the occasion...or doesn't if it's not expected.

I was able to meet the 3rd grade teacher, and she was extremely nice, and laid back. Although we did witness more intense behaviors (a boy swearing at the teacher, and running from class), what was nice to see is that the boy wasn't immediately pounced on, restrained, or anything else. They have people who, if a child bolts, lead them into a sensory room (not a seclusion room, I was able to see it) to calm down. Restraints are not first line of defense, and they know the kids, and what they will do. They know this boy won't leave the building, so they calmly just have someone monitor him, and take him for a break.

So, while I don't love the idea of K being in a class with kids who seem more intense behaviorally, it was nice to know that if she did have an issue, it wouldn't be a big deal, like it was at her previous school.

Of course, we also have ASD stuff to deal with, and I am not 100% sure how this school would handle that. The pre-teaching. The prompting. There is one teacher for the 3rd grade class, and while there are not that many kids, K is used to either 1)having her own aide or 2)being in a class that has a low student:teacher ratio. I am not sure how she'd do without extra adult support.

When it comes down to it, this school has a population made up of kids who have more mental health issues, and their needs might differ a lot from K's. K is a high functioning kid, but still needs some "autism 101" stuff, and if the other kids don't, will it be done? The lack of these things are always the cause of K's own behaviors.

But, they are a specialized school, and I am used to dealing with public schools, who don't have the capability to really cater to each child. If K did go to this school, they might be able to provide more easily what she really needs, and within a more typical "school" environment.

Then there is choice #2. This school is a completely different from school #1. It is 100%, first and foremost, a therapeutic environment. Honestly, if K went here, I would have no worries. They have a 2:1 student/teacher ratio, and the ability to easily go 1:1. Kids are allowed to choose where they do their work, if they are having trouble in the class, and everything possible is done to make each day stress free. As our advocate described it, it's like walking into a big hug. They deal with kids who have high anxiety, and don't admit students who have intense behaviors, so it's a much calmer setting.

They don't do things like reward charts, because they feel even that can cause a kid's anxiety to rise. If they promise something, they deliver. They don't take anything away. There is no earning. When I say this is as stress free as it gets, I mean it. There are gardens the kids can tend, every child gets an iPad for school, and specials like music are a choice. If a kid doesn't want to go, they aren't forced. I mention music because K, although she generally loves music, has a difficult time in a large music class. Just too loud. Here, she could either skip it, or they would go so far as to allowing her to do music 1:1.

This all sounds awesome, right? Especially for a kid who has learning issues, and anxiety issues. It seems like an easy choice...

Except, nothing is easy. My husband isn't totally sold on this school. They don't push academics the way he would like. K would be the youngest kid at the school, and in a class with one 4th grade boy, and one 5th grade boy. There are no girls close to her age, who could act as peers. The school does have a few girls, but we were told on our tour that K would not have the opportunity to interact with them.  The school is also on the campus of a psychiatric hospital, which makes the husband uncomfortable. He can't separate the school from the hospital, so to him, it would be like sending her to the psych ward. However, since we are looking for data on her emotional health, is there a better place than somewhere dedicated to it?

Again, it's just an initial 45 day placement, but because 1)we don't want her going through too many transitions and 2)things aren't looking too good on the permanent placement front, we are also looking at these places as potentially being where she stays beyond the 45 days. That's what makes it a more difficult decision. Which place would be best for K long term, if it came to that?

Unfortunately, we have a child who doesn't fit any one mold. She isn't intensely behavioral, and a lot of schools are meant to dealt with those issues. She also isn't a kid who necessarily needs a completely therapeutic environment, either, and academics are still something that are pretty important to us.

Of course, we are parents, and every parent has tunnel vision when it comes to their kids. We see one path, but in reality that might not be where K is headed. We don't have a crystal ball, so we have to guess where she's headed, and what she needs. Especially being so young. We just don't know her trajectory, yet. There's still a big part of us that firmly believes K is college-bound, and can find a career she loves, and be successfully independent. We don't want to yank her off that path just yet, but then again, are we just fooling ourselves...

If you've stuck with me this far, I am grateful. I wanted to share what we were going through, and how things aren't as easy as you might think. Getting your kid out of the school system when things aren't working out, can seem like a dream scenario. But, everything that comes after is no cake walk. At least, it hasn't been for us.

This coming week is our April vacation, and the following week we are taking K to tour school #2. After that we hope to make a decision rather quickly, because she really needs to get back into a program. It's hard when you feel your child's future is completely in your hands, and your hands alone. I really don't want to mess this up.