I used to live like this. I do not anymore.
This weekend I read two things that hit me right in the gut. One was a dad saying he could never enjoy the good days with his child, because there would inevitably be bad days right around the corner. Another was a mother saying that autism was her whole life, and not a minute went by where she wasn't completely consumed by it.
Both made me sad. Made me cringe. Made me realize how hard it is to get away from that type of thinking. I feel lucky I found a way out, although my way out was not one I wish for other people. K was mistreated by people we trusted, and because of this mistreatment I couldn't help but change not only how I viewed my child, but autism as a whole. I hope others can find a way out before their children suffer, which is why I write what I do. I have to.
I can't say, though, that I never enjoyed the good days. I think I jumped for joy on those days, relishing every second. I did always end a good day wondering when that other shoe would drop. What price we would pay the universe for the one day I didn't feel like we were circling the drain. But, holding onto those good times is what helped me survive. Allowed me to get up every morning. Kept me fighting for my child. You must always, always, hold onto those days. Live in them. Be in the moment. They can be our greatest anchor when times get tough.
These days, we have more good times than bad. Mostly because of how I changed the way I look at K, the way I treat her, the way I view her life. It's amazing how changing yourself can affect your child. How when you accept them, really accept them, and stop viewing autism as the big bad, everything gets so much easier. Sure, your kid is still autistic, and there are still days that are so, so difficult (I am not denying that), but when you let go of trying to "fix" your kid, or of your own resentment, well, I can't explain the weight lifted from your shoulders.
My life used to revolve around K's diagnosis. It really was at the forefront of my mind every second of every day. Our weeks were filled with therapy after therapy, trying to get K as close to normal as possible. That's the goal, normalcy. Or so we're told. I really can't think of any other neurological disorder where you are told you need to force your kid out of it. Where the only goal is for them to pass as typical, and if you don't somehow reach that goal, all is lost. Where it's OK to abuse your child with chemicals and pills. Where it's OK to restrain kids, and toss them into isolation rooms. Where making sure autistic people know something is terribly wrong with them, and that nothing they say, think, or do is right, is just part of "therapy".
It seems unique to autism, just the pervasive hatred of the disorder itself. Hatred that spills over onto the kids (and adults), because how could it not? Hatred that allows murderers to be sympathized with, and people to be harmed, physically and emotionally.
Before I took a good, hard look at what I was doing to my child, sure, my life was autism, and K suffered for it. I didn't listen to her as I dragged her literally kicking and screaming to speech. To social group after social group. When our home ABA person would come, and she'd barricade herself in her room. I thought her behavior meant I wasn't trying hard enough, when in reality her behavior meant I was trying too hard. I had a kid who just needed to be, to exist solely as she was, without being forced to be someone else. I missed getting to know my daughter during those years, because I was hell bent on fixing her. It's my biggest regret.
So now, my life doesn't revolve around autism. My life revolves around my kids. I am no longer burdened with trying to fix them, because they don't need to be fixed. I don't worry about their differences. I don't sit online all day trying to find the latest and greatest therapy. Our afternoons are spent at home, spending time together, not in waiting rooms. I enjoy them for who they are, and give them space when they need it. I maneuver our lives so that they are comfortable, and I don't wish for any magic pill or treatment to cure them of themselves. I am sad I ever did.
I no longer look at a good day as just the lead in to something bad. I just try not to put my children in situations that I know are hard for them. It's a process, learning the ins and outs of your child, their needs, but it's worth it. I no longer hold my breath, waiting for the next meltdown, because I try my hardest to make sure my kids don't feel the need to react that way. No, I am not perfect, like, at all, but our days are more peaceful because I've finally learned how to parent an autistic child. I have made mistakes along the way, I'm only human, but I have come a long way.
When you look at autism as the devil, as something that has stolen your child, you are missing out on that child. On everything they do have to offer. The love they have to give. Life might not be what you imagined, but it still needs to be enjoyed. There are definitely things I wish I could cure for my kids: GI issues, Epilepsy, but I don't need to cure them from their unique neurology. I need to step back and let them be themselves, and make sure they know they are everything that is right in my life, not what is wrong.
