It's been a rough few days.
On Friday I had someone tell me that K will always be how she is, so it doesn't really matter where she goes to school, or what we do. How it is, is how it will always be.
I was told that if K needs to be in a self-contained class her whole academic career, that is fine.
I was told that it's my fault K has a lot of anxiety, and behaviors at home. That the private therapies we do are overwhelming her. (We do one social group/week, and counseling every other week. That is all.) That we need to quit them, hire a home aide, and take some time for ourselves, Kai and I. As a couple. Sounds great, right? Except, to me, it sounds a lot like throwing in the towel.
Maybe I am living in a fantasy land, but I have high hopes for K. Like, college. A job. A family. She's 9, and supposedly "high-functioning", so why shouldn't I have these dreams? I don't care if she does live with us forever, but I also think there is a great possibility she can do great things.
But, not if people give up on her. Not if people believe she can't even hack it in the mainstream for one class. Not if people aren't willing to give her whatever she needs to succeed. Regardless of cost. Because she is important. Her future is important. Because after all she has been through, she deserves it.
I'm not ready to call it quite yet.
But, being told these things? It has left me unable to catch my breathe. Unable to stop crying. I can barely leave my bed. I feel like I am failing my daughter, if there are those out there who believe these things. I feel like I am in a free fall. Literally. Flailing about space, having absolutely no idea what to do.
But, I also ask myself, are they right? Am I the foolish one? Am I deluded thinking K can have any semblance of the life I imagined for her? That she imagines for herself?
I am a strong person, but suddenly I feel very weak. I know I have to keep fighting for my child, regardless of what the peanut gallery thinks. I know that. But I feel that I'm living in one anxiety attack after another, and what if I can't get K what she needs? What if, at the end of the day, I fail? What if they are all right?
But, she's 9.
Others might give up, but I won't. I will fight until the bitter end.