I don't want to be that person. That person who acts like she's the first mother whose child has ever had a seizure. Like the (super annoying) women who act like no one has ever been pregnant before them? Yeah, that's not me. B having a grand mal seizure was, is, a big deal to me, but I know there are people who deal with this kind of thing every day. Who deal with worse. I am big on putting stuff in perspective, so I just wanted to get that out there.
Of course, this is my blog, and in my tiny corner of the universe, I'm scared. Scared that B's seizure wasn't just a fluke. Scared that his sleep deprived EEG will show something. Scared that his life will be limited in some way because of epilepsy. I'm his mom, it's almost like the worry is out of my control.
We met with a neurologist yesterday, who asked the same questions as the ER doctors and pediatrician. Who really wanted there to be a trigger. Sleep deprivation? Dehydration? Illness.
And so badly I wanted to tell them there was. A simple explanation for why my son's brain suddenly went haywire. The, some kids just have one seizure, never to have one again, loses a bit of weight when the look on the doctor's face doesn't match her words.
It was two hours of a lot of talking, and a little neurological testing (jumping on one foot, checking reflexes, etc).
The doctor told me that eventually I will relax, allowing B to sleep alone in his own bed. I'm sure she's right, although last night was not that night. Maybe when the image of him on the floor begins to fade, or not to hurt so badly, although more likely I will just force myself to let go. He likes his own space, his own room. My husband would like to come back to bed.
I am sure there are many parents who would deal with this better. I'm sure there are those who sit in judgement of me for being such a worrier. People sit in judgement of everything, these days. I am sure there are those who think my new found hermit-ness is ridiculous, too. But, it is what it is. We all deal with things differently. That's just reality.
Today, though, I shall focus on the fact that B gets to finally start camp. A camp I am 100% confident in, when it comes to caring for my child. He'll get to have fun, without helicopter mom watching his every move. Will I be tied up in knots the every day when he's gone? Maybe. But I'm his mom...that's just what moms do.
Don't be too hard on yourself. This JUST happened and while I am no expert on seizures I am sure witnessing your child having one is a traumatic experience. Allow yourself to feel however you feel about it. As time passes and you see he is okay you will allow yourself to let go a little more. It might be helpful for you to talk with other moms who are dealing with similar situations. While lots of people do sit in judgment there are many others who won't, who will support you and listen to you. Those are the people that matter. Sending you all big hugs.
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