In all honesty, I am constantly living thisclose to some kind of nervous breakdown. I don't handle stress and anxiety well. Like, at all. I never have. I cope, but there's always something bubbling right under the surface.
Yesterday I blogged about how much K loves her new school. Like, really, truly loves. More than any of her other placements. She talks about the kids there. She asked a little boy if he would be her friend, yesterday. She excitedly tells me about her day. I mean, it's only week one, but how I experience her school day is already so different. She's gone from hating school, fighting us about getting on the van, telling me nothing about her day, and saying no one likes her, to telling me a lot, happily getting up at the crack of dawn to go to school, and talking about friends.
I am insanely happy that things are going so well.
But, I'm also insanely scared it will all be taken away.
Technically, K is only at this school on a 45 day placement. A 45 day placement is one where they evaluate your child, and let you know what kind of setting would be best. Sometimes the child just stays at the school where the 45 day took place, and sometimes they go elsewhere. There is no guarantee, however, that K would be able to stay where she is now. We could have a fantastic 45 days, and then have the rug pulled out from under us. We could be forced to send her back to our home district, or a different public or private school.
Unfortunately, as with most school districts, money is tight, and private, special education day schools aren't cheap. Of course, my daughter has already been through two completely unacceptable placements at this point, and I, as her mom, feel she should stay where she's happy. I do not sign the checks, though.
So, while thinking about how great it is to finally have K somewhere that's a good fit, I suddenly got really sad. We're not done with this fight. We need a signed IEP placing her somewhere permanently. We don't have that right now. Come the end of July, everything will be up in the air, and I really have no clue how it will go. I don't know if they will allow K to stay at her current school, or if it will be another fight. It's why a 45 day placement always made me nervous...what if she falls in love with the school, and can't stay? How do I explain that to a child who has told me there will never be a school for her? That no one will ever understand her? That, finally, she's found a place where she really belongs, and it's being taken away?
It makes me sick to think about.
I should revel in the fact that she's so happy right now, in this moment, but I'm a planner, and I think long term. It's great that K is so happy right now, but what about September? Will she be happy then, or will we be be back to square one?
Like I said, until we have a signed IEP with a permanent placement, this mom will be sitting on pins and needles. I just pray to the gods that K ends up in the right place. The kid has been through too much in her life, when it comes to school, and she deserves to be where she's happy.
If you can, try to have confidence in the fact that although the system screwed you for years, putting K in two bad placements, the fact that you have the indication now for out placement will mean a lot. If the school is really as great as you think it is and K does well on her 45 day placement, the school will probably recognize that and how hard it would be to move her.
ReplyDeleteI don't know how much you can prepare K for this without putting a grey cloud over her head, maybe it is better not to do that and just let things happen for her as they do.
You've had years of a kid miserable in school and now you are experiencing a happy school experience for her in the first time ever, I know it's hard, but if you can try to let go of your fears a tiny little bit and just enjoy your daughter's happiness.
Letting go of your fears won't mean that you can stop whatever the inevitable is, but hanging onto them won't guarantee that K can stay at this school and you may deprive yourself the pleasure of seeing your kid happy. As sucky as it is, you are not in control of what the school (or whomever the powers that be are) that make the decision, so letting go won't hurt anything.