Today K and I made a list of things she'd want (or not want) in her perfect school. Though we love the school she is in now, it isn't long term (which we always knew.) She needs to be challenged more academically, and definitely needs more social opportunities (right now she is 1 or 2 students in her class.) This school has done a lot for her, mental-health-wise, and for that we are eternally grateful, but at some point we'll have to find a new placement.
So, today, while we were getting in some afternoon snuggles, we decided to make this list. Actually, I asked her if she wanted to make a list of wants and don't wants, and she agreed. We make so many decisions for our kids, I wanted to make sure K is represented in whatever we choose to do down the road. Some of her answers I prompted, knowing what she loves about her current school/misses about her old school. Some of her answers she gave without any prompting at all. I think the most important answer was no restraints. This was 100% her, no prompting needed.
So, here is K's list. Short, sweet, and oh-so important:
Wants:
A class pet
Girls
Nice teachers
Art
Good food
Culinary arts
iPads
closer to home
Don't wants:
Restraints(!!!)
Homework (she hasn't had that in her previous two placements, anyway.)
Bullies
One of the things K loves most about her current placement is the culinary arts program, so I am really hoping we're able to find another school that offers that. She loves using the iPad for all her schoolwork, too. The fact that physically writing is such a challenge for her, and can get in the way of her overall performance, an iPad, or laptop, is definitely something we need to make happen.
The class pet? This might trump everything else on the list, but is probably the hardest thing to find. Especially as she gets older. We toured a few different schools, and class parts are few and far between. I'm sure K could convince a teacher it's something absolutely necessary, though ;)
And girls. Well, we are realistic about this one. If we could find a school with even one other girl K's age, we'd consider it a win!
Nice teachers, good food (in the cafeteria), and art class are all things that will hopefully be easier to find. As far as distance from home? Well, we live in the boonies, so nothing is going to be close. One can always hope, though!
As soon as we started making the list, K said something she wanted was "no restraints". Actually, what she said was she didn't want "that thing at the other school", and I immediately knew to what she was referring. It's sad that has to be on the list at all. That in this day and age educators can't come up with a better way, or have enough respect for our kids that restraints and seclusion aren't even on the table.
But, alas...
A school's policy on restraints/seclusion is something that will be immensely important moving forward, though.
As for homework? Most of the programs don't have homework, but that isn't a given. Being that we needed a tutor specifically for homework when K was mainstreamed, I wouldn't mind no homework either. It caused a lot of unneeded anxiety and behaviors in our house, and I personally don't think homework is necessary, for any kid. Reading at home should be the only homework a kid gets.
K considers anyone she doesn't get along with a "bully", so this is a hard one ;)
I am hoping that K's next placement is the school she will be in for the long haul. It would be amazing if we could find a program that could get her through high school, even, though I know that's a tall order. I just don't want her changing programs every couple years. Hopefully we can take some of her wants (and don't wants!) and find a program that will work for her. There is no perfect school, but I want to make sure that K has a voice in whatever we choose.
Showing posts with label placement. Show all posts
Showing posts with label placement. Show all posts
Tuesday, January 21, 2014
Wednesday, October 9, 2013
Gushing
If you are anything like me, you cringe when it's time for open house or parent/teacher conferences. Open house seems benign enough, right? Until a few kids from your child's class make it their job to tell you everything your kid has been doing in school lately. Crying. Knocking chairs over. Just being weird. Why does she do this? Why doesn't she do that? Then there's always the quick talk with the teacher, different from the chats she has with other parents. There's no gushing about how well things are going. It's mostly therapy related, or things they are working on to help your child make it through each day. You walk out, happy it's over (while usually trying to wrangle your overstimulated kid.)
Parent/teacher conferences are more of the same. Sure, you get to look at some work, but the majority of the conference is spent talking about your child's weaknesses. Behavior issues. Everything that's going wrong. Last year I was even asked to make time for an "extended" conference for my son. Not the 10 minute, in and out, talk, but 30 long minutes of listening to how everything was going wrong.
You get home, check Facebook, and notice everyone else has posted these status updates about how awesome school is going for their kid, the wonderful things the teachers said, how their child is practically on the fast track to Harvard! You close down your computer, and give your kid a hug, wishing your conference had been a tribute to your child's strengths, instead of a summary of the opposite.
Last night was open house at K's new school, and I almost didn't go. I have what I like to call "school PTSD" which makes every bump in the road seem like a giant road block, and every phone call from school seem like the beginning stages of another program going down the drain. In my mind, I am always waiting for the other shoe to drop. For people to pull me aside and tell me how poorly things are going. That the next phone call will be the one telling me we are back to square one, when it comes to finding an appropriate education for my child.
K had a couple rough days at school recently, and I was feeling down. I didn't want to attend an open house where I would be bombarded with yet another laundry lists of everything my child can't do, and every weakness she has. I didn't want to see looks of pity on the teacher's faces. I've already seen enough of those to last a lifetime.
At the last second I decided to go. I almost turned around on the way there, and sat for a few minutes once I did arrive, working up the courage to walk in. I was so nervous. I felt like I'd be assaulted at the door by stories outlining how things weren't working out. I tried not to make eye contact, but in a school of only 26 kids, it's hard to disappear in the crowd.
As soon as I sat down, people started introducing themselves. The woman who teaches K art. Her OT. A few other staff members. And they all started gushing over how much they love working with Katie. Yes, gushing. Telling me story after story about my child. Not stories about things going wrong, but stories about how well things are going, and what she brings to the school. How they look forward to their time with her. Are excited to see her each day. And they meant it.
When I say everyone I spoke with focused on K's strengths, I mean it. I know there are times when K struggles, but those weren't the stories I heard. They even looked at her choosing to do work under her desk as a positive, whereas before it would have been a huge issue. I had to hold back tears as I heard about her interactions with the other kids. I rarely hear anything from K about school, but she has a whole life there that is just amazing.
Amazing.
I think I was the last parent to leave, when I thought I'd be the first person trying to escape. For once, I left with a giant smile on my face. I can't remember the last time I left any school function feeling anything other than sad for my kid, and throwing a pity party for myself. All my fears melted away. I realized the little bumps in the road really are just little bumps. That K is at a place where the focus is finally on what she can do, and she is appreciated and cared about by those around her. It was like a weight was lifted from my shoulders. I could stop worrying about her placement. I could stop cringing every time the phone rang. I didn't have to browse the Department of Education site on a daily basis, making a list of other programs that might work, after this one inevitably failed.
A bit of that "school PTSD" fell away. Open house ended up being a game changer for me, and I am so glad I went. I had built it up so negatively in my mind, because it's hard for me to believe any program will go well. That anyone would see my child for the great kid she is, and not as a problem child who no one wants around. Let's face it, last year was tough, and I am still dealing with the everything that happened. It's nice to finally be able to relax, just a little, and know K is somewhere she is happy, and thriving, and an important part of the school. Where she is valued, and loved.
If you are anything like me, you know how miraculous this all feels, and how a placement like this is something every child, every family, deserves. It was a long, hard fight, but so worth it in the end. For the first time ever, I was the one posting a status update about how everyone gushed over my kid, and it felt really, really good.
Parent/teacher conferences are more of the same. Sure, you get to look at some work, but the majority of the conference is spent talking about your child's weaknesses. Behavior issues. Everything that's going wrong. Last year I was even asked to make time for an "extended" conference for my son. Not the 10 minute, in and out, talk, but 30 long minutes of listening to how everything was going wrong.
You get home, check Facebook, and notice everyone else has posted these status updates about how awesome school is going for their kid, the wonderful things the teachers said, how their child is practically on the fast track to Harvard! You close down your computer, and give your kid a hug, wishing your conference had been a tribute to your child's strengths, instead of a summary of the opposite.
Last night was open house at K's new school, and I almost didn't go. I have what I like to call "school PTSD" which makes every bump in the road seem like a giant road block, and every phone call from school seem like the beginning stages of another program going down the drain. In my mind, I am always waiting for the other shoe to drop. For people to pull me aside and tell me how poorly things are going. That the next phone call will be the one telling me we are back to square one, when it comes to finding an appropriate education for my child.
K had a couple rough days at school recently, and I was feeling down. I didn't want to attend an open house where I would be bombarded with yet another laundry lists of everything my child can't do, and every weakness she has. I didn't want to see looks of pity on the teacher's faces. I've already seen enough of those to last a lifetime.
At the last second I decided to go. I almost turned around on the way there, and sat for a few minutes once I did arrive, working up the courage to walk in. I was so nervous. I felt like I'd be assaulted at the door by stories outlining how things weren't working out. I tried not to make eye contact, but in a school of only 26 kids, it's hard to disappear in the crowd.
As soon as I sat down, people started introducing themselves. The woman who teaches K art. Her OT. A few other staff members. And they all started gushing over how much they love working with Katie. Yes, gushing. Telling me story after story about my child. Not stories about things going wrong, but stories about how well things are going, and what she brings to the school. How they look forward to their time with her. Are excited to see her each day. And they meant it.
When I say everyone I spoke with focused on K's strengths, I mean it. I know there are times when K struggles, but those weren't the stories I heard. They even looked at her choosing to do work under her desk as a positive, whereas before it would have been a huge issue. I had to hold back tears as I heard about her interactions with the other kids. I rarely hear anything from K about school, but she has a whole life there that is just amazing.
Amazing.
I think I was the last parent to leave, when I thought I'd be the first person trying to escape. For once, I left with a giant smile on my face. I can't remember the last time I left any school function feeling anything other than sad for my kid, and throwing a pity party for myself. All my fears melted away. I realized the little bumps in the road really are just little bumps. That K is at a place where the focus is finally on what she can do, and she is appreciated and cared about by those around her. It was like a weight was lifted from my shoulders. I could stop worrying about her placement. I could stop cringing every time the phone rang. I didn't have to browse the Department of Education site on a daily basis, making a list of other programs that might work, after this one inevitably failed.
A bit of that "school PTSD" fell away. Open house ended up being a game changer for me, and I am so glad I went. I had built it up so negatively in my mind, because it's hard for me to believe any program will go well. That anyone would see my child for the great kid she is, and not as a problem child who no one wants around. Let's face it, last year was tough, and I am still dealing with the everything that happened. It's nice to finally be able to relax, just a little, and know K is somewhere she is happy, and thriving, and an important part of the school. Where she is valued, and loved.
If you are anything like me, you know how miraculous this all feels, and how a placement like this is something every child, every family, deserves. It was a long, hard fight, but so worth it in the end. For the first time ever, I was the one posting a status update about how everyone gushed over my kid, and it felt really, really good.
Tuesday, September 24, 2013
Happiness
It's only September, and I've been fooled into thinking "maybe this year will be the year" before, but maybe this really will be the year...school goes well.
I remember the beginning of last year for K. Third grade, in a typical classroom, with a lot of supports. Early in the year, her teacher told me how well things were going, and how she hadn't seen any of the issues we'd seen in 2nd grade. Part of me felt defensive...I swear there were issues! But, another part of me felt that maybe maturity was on our side, and 3rd grade would be the turning point. A lot of people say 3rd grade is the make it or break it year. Kids are required to be more independent in their work. All things social get even more tricky. It's really just the year your child goes from baby to big kid. Scary, yet I had hope.
Of course, things didn't go as planned. Third grade didn't continue to go well, past those first few weeks. K does the opposite of most, where the first few weeks are GREAT, and then we hit a rough patch. She's always excited to start school, and we never have that initial issue with transition. Probably because those last few weeks of summer vacation are so all over the place, she's glad to have some routine back.
But, after those first few weeks of 3rd grade, we definitely hit a rough patch. Long story short, she went from mainstream, to autism class, to home tutoring, to private placement. Yes, 3rd grade was the make or break year for her, and unfortunately the latter happened. I've admittedly had a hard time adjusting to her not being three minutes down the street at our neighborhood school, but that's my issue, really. Sometimes it's hard to let go of every dream, all at once. But, I do realize my dreams are mine, not hers, and I'm working hard to get over myself.
Right now, she is doing so well at her new school. Amazingly well. Of course, nothing is ever perfect, but this is leaps and bounds better than where she was before (and I want to add that her 3rd grade teacher was awesome. It wasn't her fault that K wasn't successful in the mainstream. Since first grade, K has been blessed with fantastic teachers. I think that helped her make it as far as she did.)
This past week alone, I've received such positive reports from two different people at her school. How well she is doing. How engaged she is. How she's even reading out loud in class (which is huge for my reading challenged kid!) She is participating, and happy. Basically the polar opposite of before. It helps that her new school is year round. Even though she missed a couple weeks this summer because of camp, she still had way more routine than any previous ESY. If there's any kid who thrives on consistency, it's K.
K has a lot of potential, and I want to make sure she achieves everything she desires in life. She has big dreams, and I hope everything we're doing, the program she is in right now, plays a part in her seeing those dreams come true. I do struggle sometimes, knowing inclusion (or our district's idea of inclusion), didn't work. I struggle figuring out what placement will work for her long-term. But, for now, I'll just take the happiness this new school has brought out in K. She deserves it.
I remember the beginning of last year for K. Third grade, in a typical classroom, with a lot of supports. Early in the year, her teacher told me how well things were going, and how she hadn't seen any of the issues we'd seen in 2nd grade. Part of me felt defensive...I swear there were issues! But, another part of me felt that maybe maturity was on our side, and 3rd grade would be the turning point. A lot of people say 3rd grade is the make it or break it year. Kids are required to be more independent in their work. All things social get even more tricky. It's really just the year your child goes from baby to big kid. Scary, yet I had hope.
Of course, things didn't go as planned. Third grade didn't continue to go well, past those first few weeks. K does the opposite of most, where the first few weeks are GREAT, and then we hit a rough patch. She's always excited to start school, and we never have that initial issue with transition. Probably because those last few weeks of summer vacation are so all over the place, she's glad to have some routine back.
But, after those first few weeks of 3rd grade, we definitely hit a rough patch. Long story short, she went from mainstream, to autism class, to home tutoring, to private placement. Yes, 3rd grade was the make or break year for her, and unfortunately the latter happened. I've admittedly had a hard time adjusting to her not being three minutes down the street at our neighborhood school, but that's my issue, really. Sometimes it's hard to let go of every dream, all at once. But, I do realize my dreams are mine, not hers, and I'm working hard to get over myself.
Right now, she is doing so well at her new school. Amazingly well. Of course, nothing is ever perfect, but this is leaps and bounds better than where she was before (and I want to add that her 3rd grade teacher was awesome. It wasn't her fault that K wasn't successful in the mainstream. Since first grade, K has been blessed with fantastic teachers. I think that helped her make it as far as she did.)
This past week alone, I've received such positive reports from two different people at her school. How well she is doing. How engaged she is. How she's even reading out loud in class (which is huge for my reading challenged kid!) She is participating, and happy. Basically the polar opposite of before. It helps that her new school is year round. Even though she missed a couple weeks this summer because of camp, she still had way more routine than any previous ESY. If there's any kid who thrives on consistency, it's K.
K has a lot of potential, and I want to make sure she achieves everything she desires in life. She has big dreams, and I hope everything we're doing, the program she is in right now, plays a part in her seeing those dreams come true. I do struggle sometimes, knowing inclusion (or our district's idea of inclusion), didn't work. I struggle figuring out what placement will work for her long-term. But, for now, I'll just take the happiness this new school has brought out in K. She deserves it.
Friday, May 17, 2013
A Bit of a Breakdown
In all honesty, I am constantly living thisclose to some kind of nervous breakdown. I don't handle stress and anxiety well. Like, at all. I never have. I cope, but there's always something bubbling right under the surface.
Yesterday I blogged about how much K loves her new school. Like, really, truly loves. More than any of her other placements. She talks about the kids there. She asked a little boy if he would be her friend, yesterday. She excitedly tells me about her day. I mean, it's only week one, but how I experience her school day is already so different. She's gone from hating school, fighting us about getting on the van, telling me nothing about her day, and saying no one likes her, to telling me a lot, happily getting up at the crack of dawn to go to school, and talking about friends.
I am insanely happy that things are going so well.
But, I'm also insanely scared it will all be taken away.
Technically, K is only at this school on a 45 day placement. A 45 day placement is one where they evaluate your child, and let you know what kind of setting would be best. Sometimes the child just stays at the school where the 45 day took place, and sometimes they go elsewhere. There is no guarantee, however, that K would be able to stay where she is now. We could have a fantastic 45 days, and then have the rug pulled out from under us. We could be forced to send her back to our home district, or a different public or private school.
Unfortunately, as with most school districts, money is tight, and private, special education day schools aren't cheap. Of course, my daughter has already been through two completely unacceptable placements at this point, and I, as her mom, feel she should stay where she's happy. I do not sign the checks, though.
So, while thinking about how great it is to finally have K somewhere that's a good fit, I suddenly got really sad. We're not done with this fight. We need a signed IEP placing her somewhere permanently. We don't have that right now. Come the end of July, everything will be up in the air, and I really have no clue how it will go. I don't know if they will allow K to stay at her current school, or if it will be another fight. It's why a 45 day placement always made me nervous...what if she falls in love with the school, and can't stay? How do I explain that to a child who has told me there will never be a school for her? That no one will ever understand her? That, finally, she's found a place where she really belongs, and it's being taken away?
It makes me sick to think about.
I should revel in the fact that she's so happy right now, in this moment, but I'm a planner, and I think long term. It's great that K is so happy right now, but what about September? Will she be happy then, or will we be be back to square one?
Like I said, until we have a signed IEP with a permanent placement, this mom will be sitting on pins and needles. I just pray to the gods that K ends up in the right place. The kid has been through too much in her life, when it comes to school, and she deserves to be where she's happy.
Yesterday I blogged about how much K loves her new school. Like, really, truly loves. More than any of her other placements. She talks about the kids there. She asked a little boy if he would be her friend, yesterday. She excitedly tells me about her day. I mean, it's only week one, but how I experience her school day is already so different. She's gone from hating school, fighting us about getting on the van, telling me nothing about her day, and saying no one likes her, to telling me a lot, happily getting up at the crack of dawn to go to school, and talking about friends.
I am insanely happy that things are going so well.
But, I'm also insanely scared it will all be taken away.
Technically, K is only at this school on a 45 day placement. A 45 day placement is one where they evaluate your child, and let you know what kind of setting would be best. Sometimes the child just stays at the school where the 45 day took place, and sometimes they go elsewhere. There is no guarantee, however, that K would be able to stay where she is now. We could have a fantastic 45 days, and then have the rug pulled out from under us. We could be forced to send her back to our home district, or a different public or private school.
Unfortunately, as with most school districts, money is tight, and private, special education day schools aren't cheap. Of course, my daughter has already been through two completely unacceptable placements at this point, and I, as her mom, feel she should stay where she's happy. I do not sign the checks, though.
So, while thinking about how great it is to finally have K somewhere that's a good fit, I suddenly got really sad. We're not done with this fight. We need a signed IEP placing her somewhere permanently. We don't have that right now. Come the end of July, everything will be up in the air, and I really have no clue how it will go. I don't know if they will allow K to stay at her current school, or if it will be another fight. It's why a 45 day placement always made me nervous...what if she falls in love with the school, and can't stay? How do I explain that to a child who has told me there will never be a school for her? That no one will ever understand her? That, finally, she's found a place where she really belongs, and it's being taken away?
It makes me sick to think about.
I should revel in the fact that she's so happy right now, in this moment, but I'm a planner, and I think long term. It's great that K is so happy right now, but what about September? Will she be happy then, or will we be be back to square one?
Like I said, until we have a signed IEP with a permanent placement, this mom will be sitting on pins and needles. I just pray to the gods that K ends up in the right place. The kid has been through too much in her life, when it comes to school, and she deserves to be where she's happy.
Thursday, May 16, 2013
"I Love My New School!"
K started at her new school this past Monday. Admittedly, I was nervous. Sure, I knew in my head this school was a good fit, but you never really know until your child is there. I am worst case type of person, so I just had visions of giant meltdowns swirling about my head all day. It's just my Yankee pessimism, what can I say.
I'm used to K getting home from school and being in a mood. Wanting to be alone. Hating life. On Monday, none of that happened. Instead I just heard how "awesome" her day was, and how much she loved her new school.
Loved.
My child, who can find the bad in a candy store, had nothing negative to say about her new school. At all. Not about the kids. Not about the teachers, or the work. Nothing.
I know that this might be the honeymoon period, but I also think she's finally somewhere she feels comfortable. Our advocate described this school as a "big hug", and she was right. I think the people there know how to educate a child like K, and I think that makes a huge difference.
I am excited to see how she continues to do at this school. Of course, I'm still a tad anxious about the whole thing, just because we are coming off two inappropriate placements that didn't end well, but I really do have high hopes.
Hope that K has finally found the place where she belongs.
I'm used to K getting home from school and being in a mood. Wanting to be alone. Hating life. On Monday, none of that happened. Instead I just heard how "awesome" her day was, and how much she loved her new school.
Loved.
My child, who can find the bad in a candy store, had nothing negative to say about her new school. At all. Not about the kids. Not about the teachers, or the work. Nothing.
I know that this might be the honeymoon period, but I also think she's finally somewhere she feels comfortable. Our advocate described this school as a "big hug", and she was right. I think the people there know how to educate a child like K, and I think that makes a huge difference.
I am excited to see how she continues to do at this school. Of course, I'm still a tad anxious about the whole thing, just because we are coming off two inappropriate placements that didn't end well, but I really do have high hopes.
Hope that K has finally found the place where she belongs.
Wednesday, May 1, 2013
Reality Check
As you know, we have been going through the painstaking process of trying to find K a new school, after the district agreed to place her privately. Getting them to agree to that was a huge victory, yes, but I didn't realize just how difficult it would be to actually pick a school. I realized just yesterday, though, that the only reason it was hard was because of my own expectations, and failure to accept what was right for my child.
The first step in this process is finding K a 45 day placement. This is a school that will evaluate her needs, and at the end of the 45 days they will tell us what kind of permanent placement is appropriate. However, it could also end up that she just stays at this intial school, and so we wanted to make sure wherever we sent her, we'd be willing to send her long-term, as well.
There were lots of things my husband and I thought we wanted for her. A school with an emphasis on academics, because we didn't want her to fall even more behind. A school with other girls her age (this one we knew was a reach, but a person can dream). A school that was pretty much exactly like the public school, just with a more understanding staff, who actually got autism, and anxiety, and learning disabilities.
We were afraid of her being treated with kid gloves. How would she ever be successful in life if she wasn't pushed? If we didn't set the bar high? Sure, we wanted her in a setting that would ease her anxiety, but we failed to realize that in order for that to happen, things would really have to change. We were 100% ready to put her in a school that we worried would bring back our overly anxious, frustrated child. We were just hoping things would be OK because it was at a specialized school. In reality, though, the type of school doesn't matter, if the atmosphere is too overwhelming. Even the best staff can't magically make a child change into someone who isn't affected by what is going on around her.
Yesterday, K had the chance to visit the one option we thought was not going to be a good fit. In theory, it was perfect. A stress-free envioronment. Kids are allowed to work where they want, take breaks whenever they want, and where even the most benign sticker charts don't exist. The staff does everything in their power to make the school day as anxiety free as possible. The kids are even encouraged to bring in comfort items from home. It sounds great, but how does it prepare my kid for life? Even though we have a child whose anxiety could probably power a small village, my husband and I were still caught up in needing K to be placed somewhere that looked like a "real" school. Ironic, since "real" school didn't work for K, and we fought tooth and nail to get her out.
There was even part of me that thought K would hate the school, herself. I was fully prepared for her to charge out at some point, saying there was no way she was going there. During the hour she spent visiting the classroom (without me), I sat in the cafeteria imagining the giant meltdown she was probably having, being soemwhere that was such a bad fit.
What I was not prepared for was how she actually felt.
When I came back to the school after her visit, the first thing she did was throw her hands in the air and proclaim, I love this school! When can I come back!?
It was the first school she said that about, of the several we've visited. My husband asked if it was just because she spent more time there, which is a valid question. However, the fact that the "other" schools had things like swimming pools, and wood working shops, and class pets, and she liked this one better (which has none of those things), is very telling. The other schools she liked because of those "extras". This school she liked because of the kids, and teachers. She felt safe there. Not even the promise of a swimming pool could trump that.
It's also just a calmer environment than the other schools we've seen. The classes are very small, just 4 kids and 2 teachers, each. Pretty much everything is the opposite of what we've dealt with before, and that's probably what K needs.
It was a tough thing, to really sit down and be honest with myself about this whole school search. As much as I tell myself I've let go of all my dreams for K, clearly I haven't. I've always been honest with myself that inclusion just doesn't work for my kid, at least not now. But, I had to take that a step further, realizing any school that is going to fuel her anxiety in any way, is not a good match. It's just something else to accept. Sometimes it's hard to reconcile that the kid who just went for a bike ride alone, is still miles away from her typical peers. At least when it comes to school.
So, tomorrow K goes back for a 4 hour trial at this new school. If all goes well, that's where she'll be going. I know in my heart it's what's best...I just have to let my mind catch up. Letting go of dreams doesn't just happen in toddlerhood, when you are first faced with diagnosis. I'm just beginning to realize that now. K will be who she is meant to be, and I just have to keep reminding myself that. It's what she needs, not what I need.
Right now, she needs this school.
The first step in this process is finding K a 45 day placement. This is a school that will evaluate her needs, and at the end of the 45 days they will tell us what kind of permanent placement is appropriate. However, it could also end up that she just stays at this intial school, and so we wanted to make sure wherever we sent her, we'd be willing to send her long-term, as well.
There were lots of things my husband and I thought we wanted for her. A school with an emphasis on academics, because we didn't want her to fall even more behind. A school with other girls her age (this one we knew was a reach, but a person can dream). A school that was pretty much exactly like the public school, just with a more understanding staff, who actually got autism, and anxiety, and learning disabilities.
We were afraid of her being treated with kid gloves. How would she ever be successful in life if she wasn't pushed? If we didn't set the bar high? Sure, we wanted her in a setting that would ease her anxiety, but we failed to realize that in order for that to happen, things would really have to change. We were 100% ready to put her in a school that we worried would bring back our overly anxious, frustrated child. We were just hoping things would be OK because it was at a specialized school. In reality, though, the type of school doesn't matter, if the atmosphere is too overwhelming. Even the best staff can't magically make a child change into someone who isn't affected by what is going on around her.
Yesterday, K had the chance to visit the one option we thought was not going to be a good fit. In theory, it was perfect. A stress-free envioronment. Kids are allowed to work where they want, take breaks whenever they want, and where even the most benign sticker charts don't exist. The staff does everything in their power to make the school day as anxiety free as possible. The kids are even encouraged to bring in comfort items from home. It sounds great, but how does it prepare my kid for life? Even though we have a child whose anxiety could probably power a small village, my husband and I were still caught up in needing K to be placed somewhere that looked like a "real" school. Ironic, since "real" school didn't work for K, and we fought tooth and nail to get her out.
There was even part of me that thought K would hate the school, herself. I was fully prepared for her to charge out at some point, saying there was no way she was going there. During the hour she spent visiting the classroom (without me), I sat in the cafeteria imagining the giant meltdown she was probably having, being soemwhere that was such a bad fit.
What I was not prepared for was how she actually felt.
When I came back to the school after her visit, the first thing she did was throw her hands in the air and proclaim, I love this school! When can I come back!?
It was the first school she said that about, of the several we've visited. My husband asked if it was just because she spent more time there, which is a valid question. However, the fact that the "other" schools had things like swimming pools, and wood working shops, and class pets, and she liked this one better (which has none of those things), is very telling. The other schools she liked because of those "extras". This school she liked because of the kids, and teachers. She felt safe there. Not even the promise of a swimming pool could trump that.
It's also just a calmer environment than the other schools we've seen. The classes are very small, just 4 kids and 2 teachers, each. Pretty much everything is the opposite of what we've dealt with before, and that's probably what K needs.
It was a tough thing, to really sit down and be honest with myself about this whole school search. As much as I tell myself I've let go of all my dreams for K, clearly I haven't. I've always been honest with myself that inclusion just doesn't work for my kid, at least not now. But, I had to take that a step further, realizing any school that is going to fuel her anxiety in any way, is not a good match. It's just something else to accept. Sometimes it's hard to reconcile that the kid who just went for a bike ride alone, is still miles away from her typical peers. At least when it comes to school.
So, tomorrow K goes back for a 4 hour trial at this new school. If all goes well, that's where she'll be going. I know in my heart it's what's best...I just have to let my mind catch up. Letting go of dreams doesn't just happen in toddlerhood, when you are first faced with diagnosis. I'm just beginning to realize that now. K will be who she is meant to be, and I just have to keep reminding myself that. It's what she needs, not what I need.
Right now, she needs this school.
Sunday, April 14, 2013
School Choice
I have to admit, I thought choosing a school for K would be...easier. I really thought that one would stand out against the rest. That there would practically be a giant, red arrow pointing down, letting me know, this one was it.
Right now we are choosing a school for an initial 45 day placement. We really need more data on K's emotional health, in order to determine the best permanent placement. The school we choose will be capable of collecting that data, and at the end of the 45 days, we will be told what type of environment K needs to be successful. Picking a school for this temporary placement should be easy. It's not as if we are signing K's life away. It's only for a couple months.
But, it's still excruciatingly difficult.
We toured one school that has a pool. Now, K would live in the water if she could. Water and swimming are her things. I've joked that if she could just be taught while in a pool, everything would be great!
However, this school has students that are a lot more behavioral than K. By more behavioral I mean they use swear words I don't even use, and are more aggressive. Because K has such a low tolerance, at times, for other children, and can be a very anxious kid, a more chaotic classroom just doesn't seem like the best fit.
But, they have a pool. In K's eyes, that's all that matters. She told her counselor she could just ignore the other kids, but I'm not so sure...
Of course, this school has lots of other great qualities. I like the way the school is run, the classes they offer, the fact that there are other kids her age. There's even another girl. It is also run as a school, and not so much a therapeutic center. This appeals more to my husband, for whom education is paramount, not that I disagree. I think K has a lot of potential, and though she does have some learning differences, she also needs to be somewhat challenged to move forward. She is definitely a child who rises to the occasion...or doesn't if it's not expected.
I was able to meet the 3rd grade teacher, and she was extremely nice, and laid back. Although we did witness more intense behaviors (a boy swearing at the teacher, and running from class), what was nice to see is that the boy wasn't immediately pounced on, restrained, or anything else. They have people who, if a child bolts, lead them into a sensory room (not a seclusion room, I was able to see it) to calm down. Restraints are not first line of defense, and they know the kids, and what they will do. They know this boy won't leave the building, so they calmly just have someone monitor him, and take him for a break.
So, while I don't love the idea of K being in a class with kids who seem more intense behaviorally, it was nice to know that if she did have an issue, it wouldn't be a big deal, like it was at her previous school.
Of course, we also have ASD stuff to deal with, and I am not 100% sure how this school would handle that. The pre-teaching. The prompting. There is one teacher for the 3rd grade class, and while there are not that many kids, K is used to either 1)having her own aide or 2)being in a class that has a low student:teacher ratio. I am not sure how she'd do without extra adult support.
When it comes down to it, this school has a population made up of kids who have more mental health issues, and their needs might differ a lot from K's. K is a high functioning kid, but still needs some "autism 101" stuff, and if the other kids don't, will it be done? The lack of these things are always the cause of K's own behaviors.
But, they are a specialized school, and I am used to dealing with public schools, who don't have the capability to really cater to each child. If K did go to this school, they might be able to provide more easily what she really needs, and within a more typical "school" environment.
Then there is choice #2. This school is a completely different from school #1. It is 100%, first and foremost, a therapeutic environment. Honestly, if K went here, I would have no worries. They have a 2:1 student/teacher ratio, and the ability to easily go 1:1. Kids are allowed to choose where they do their work, if they are having trouble in the class, and everything possible is done to make each day stress free. As our advocate described it, it's like walking into a big hug. They deal with kids who have high anxiety, and don't admit students who have intense behaviors, so it's a much calmer setting.
They don't do things like reward charts, because they feel even that can cause a kid's anxiety to rise. If they promise something, they deliver. They don't take anything away. There is no earning. When I say this is as stress free as it gets, I mean it. There are gardens the kids can tend, every child gets an iPad for school, and specials like music are a choice. If a kid doesn't want to go, they aren't forced. I mention music because K, although she generally loves music, has a difficult time in a large music class. Just too loud. Here, she could either skip it, or they would go so far as to allowing her to do music 1:1.
This all sounds awesome, right? Especially for a kid who has learning issues, and anxiety issues. It seems like an easy choice...
Except, nothing is easy. My husband isn't totally sold on this school. They don't push academics the way he would like. K would be the youngest kid at the school, and in a class with one 4th grade boy, and one 5th grade boy. There are no girls close to her age, who could act as peers. The school does have a few girls, but we were told on our tour that K would not have the opportunity to interact with them. The school is also on the campus of a psychiatric hospital, which makes the husband uncomfortable. He can't separate the school from the hospital, so to him, it would be like sending her to the psych ward. However, since we are looking for data on her emotional health, is there a better place than somewhere dedicated to it?
Again, it's just an initial 45 day placement, but because 1)we don't want her going through too many transitions and 2)things aren't looking too good on the permanent placement front, we are also looking at these places as potentially being where she stays beyond the 45 days. That's what makes it a more difficult decision. Which place would be best for K long term, if it came to that?
Unfortunately, we have a child who doesn't fit any one mold. She isn't intensely behavioral, and a lot of schools are meant to dealt with those issues. She also isn't a kid who necessarily needs a completely therapeutic environment, either, and academics are still something that are pretty important to us.
Of course, we are parents, and every parent has tunnel vision when it comes to their kids. We see one path, but in reality that might not be where K is headed. We don't have a crystal ball, so we have to guess where she's headed, and what she needs. Especially being so young. We just don't know her trajectory, yet. There's still a big part of us that firmly believes K is college-bound, and can find a career she loves, and be successfully independent. We don't want to yank her off that path just yet, but then again, are we just fooling ourselves...
If you've stuck with me this far, I am grateful. I wanted to share what we were going through, and how things aren't as easy as you might think. Getting your kid out of the school system when things aren't working out, can seem like a dream scenario. But, everything that comes after is no cake walk. At least, it hasn't been for us.
This coming week is our April vacation, and the following week we are taking K to tour school #2. After that we hope to make a decision rather quickly, because she really needs to get back into a program. It's hard when you feel your child's future is completely in your hands, and your hands alone. I really don't want to mess this up.
Right now we are choosing a school for an initial 45 day placement. We really need more data on K's emotional health, in order to determine the best permanent placement. The school we choose will be capable of collecting that data, and at the end of the 45 days, we will be told what type of environment K needs to be successful. Picking a school for this temporary placement should be easy. It's not as if we are signing K's life away. It's only for a couple months.
But, it's still excruciatingly difficult.
We toured one school that has a pool. Now, K would live in the water if she could. Water and swimming are her things. I've joked that if she could just be taught while in a pool, everything would be great!
However, this school has students that are a lot more behavioral than K. By more behavioral I mean they use swear words I don't even use, and are more aggressive. Because K has such a low tolerance, at times, for other children, and can be a very anxious kid, a more chaotic classroom just doesn't seem like the best fit.
But, they have a pool. In K's eyes, that's all that matters. She told her counselor she could just ignore the other kids, but I'm not so sure...
Of course, this school has lots of other great qualities. I like the way the school is run, the classes they offer, the fact that there are other kids her age. There's even another girl. It is also run as a school, and not so much a therapeutic center. This appeals more to my husband, for whom education is paramount, not that I disagree. I think K has a lot of potential, and though she does have some learning differences, she also needs to be somewhat challenged to move forward. She is definitely a child who rises to the occasion...or doesn't if it's not expected.
I was able to meet the 3rd grade teacher, and she was extremely nice, and laid back. Although we did witness more intense behaviors (a boy swearing at the teacher, and running from class), what was nice to see is that the boy wasn't immediately pounced on, restrained, or anything else. They have people who, if a child bolts, lead them into a sensory room (not a seclusion room, I was able to see it) to calm down. Restraints are not first line of defense, and they know the kids, and what they will do. They know this boy won't leave the building, so they calmly just have someone monitor him, and take him for a break.
So, while I don't love the idea of K being in a class with kids who seem more intense behaviorally, it was nice to know that if she did have an issue, it wouldn't be a big deal, like it was at her previous school.
Of course, we also have ASD stuff to deal with, and I am not 100% sure how this school would handle that. The pre-teaching. The prompting. There is one teacher for the 3rd grade class, and while there are not that many kids, K is used to either 1)having her own aide or 2)being in a class that has a low student:teacher ratio. I am not sure how she'd do without extra adult support.
When it comes down to it, this school has a population made up of kids who have more mental health issues, and their needs might differ a lot from K's. K is a high functioning kid, but still needs some "autism 101" stuff, and if the other kids don't, will it be done? The lack of these things are always the cause of K's own behaviors.
But, they are a specialized school, and I am used to dealing with public schools, who don't have the capability to really cater to each child. If K did go to this school, they might be able to provide more easily what she really needs, and within a more typical "school" environment.
Then there is choice #2. This school is a completely different from school #1. It is 100%, first and foremost, a therapeutic environment. Honestly, if K went here, I would have no worries. They have a 2:1 student/teacher ratio, and the ability to easily go 1:1. Kids are allowed to choose where they do their work, if they are having trouble in the class, and everything possible is done to make each day stress free. As our advocate described it, it's like walking into a big hug. They deal with kids who have high anxiety, and don't admit students who have intense behaviors, so it's a much calmer setting.
They don't do things like reward charts, because they feel even that can cause a kid's anxiety to rise. If they promise something, they deliver. They don't take anything away. There is no earning. When I say this is as stress free as it gets, I mean it. There are gardens the kids can tend, every child gets an iPad for school, and specials like music are a choice. If a kid doesn't want to go, they aren't forced. I mention music because K, although she generally loves music, has a difficult time in a large music class. Just too loud. Here, she could either skip it, or they would go so far as to allowing her to do music 1:1.
This all sounds awesome, right? Especially for a kid who has learning issues, and anxiety issues. It seems like an easy choice...
Except, nothing is easy. My husband isn't totally sold on this school. They don't push academics the way he would like. K would be the youngest kid at the school, and in a class with one 4th grade boy, and one 5th grade boy. There are no girls close to her age, who could act as peers. The school does have a few girls, but we were told on our tour that K would not have the opportunity to interact with them. The school is also on the campus of a psychiatric hospital, which makes the husband uncomfortable. He can't separate the school from the hospital, so to him, it would be like sending her to the psych ward. However, since we are looking for data on her emotional health, is there a better place than somewhere dedicated to it?
Again, it's just an initial 45 day placement, but because 1)we don't want her going through too many transitions and 2)things aren't looking too good on the permanent placement front, we are also looking at these places as potentially being where she stays beyond the 45 days. That's what makes it a more difficult decision. Which place would be best for K long term, if it came to that?
Unfortunately, we have a child who doesn't fit any one mold. She isn't intensely behavioral, and a lot of schools are meant to dealt with those issues. She also isn't a kid who necessarily needs a completely therapeutic environment, either, and academics are still something that are pretty important to us.
Of course, we are parents, and every parent has tunnel vision when it comes to their kids. We see one path, but in reality that might not be where K is headed. We don't have a crystal ball, so we have to guess where she's headed, and what she needs. Especially being so young. We just don't know her trajectory, yet. There's still a big part of us that firmly believes K is college-bound, and can find a career she loves, and be successfully independent. We don't want to yank her off that path just yet, but then again, are we just fooling ourselves...
If you've stuck with me this far, I am grateful. I wanted to share what we were going through, and how things aren't as easy as you might think. Getting your kid out of the school system when things aren't working out, can seem like a dream scenario. But, everything that comes after is no cake walk. At least, it hasn't been for us.
This coming week is our April vacation, and the following week we are taking K to tour school #2. After that we hope to make a decision rather quickly, because she really needs to get back into a program. It's hard when you feel your child's future is completely in your hands, and your hands alone. I really don't want to mess this up.
Tuesday, April 9, 2013
The Journey
I've been a bit overwhelmed lately.
Just a bit.
To make a long story short, we went to battle with our school district over K's placement. We were just d-o-n-e, done. There were a few incidents, that for K's privacy I won't go into here, that completely and utterly broke down trust. She ended up being scared of going to school. Scared of saying anything to any adult at the school. There was a change in her demeanor, from the first few weeks when things seemed to be going well in her new class. Things happened that the school thought were not a big deal, that were the biggest deal to us. So, we hired an advocate, and pushed for out placement.
At first, things didn't go well. If there ever was an us vs. them moment, it was our last official IEP meeting. When the school chooses to bring legal counsel, you know the gloves are off, and working together, collaboratively, is off the table. At least, that's how we felt, as parents.
We spent a nail biting week, waiting for any response from our district. A week that literally almost sent me over the edge, and that's not an exaggeration. A week where things went downhill fast, and where I thought we'd end up living in a ran down by the river, because fighting for our child was probably going to cost us everything.
Our advocate is great, don't get me wrong, but I was still scared to death. We had a good case, but our distrcit wasn't reacting in the way everyone assumed they would. Our pediatrican had pulled K from school at this point, saying she was exhibiting signs of PTSD, and so I had a child out of school, and radio silence from the district. We did all we could to garner a response, and waited. I don't know how many years that one week took off my life, but I hazard to guess it's no small number.
But, then, miraculously, everything turned around. The Superintendent got involved, and we had an emergency meeting with her, the head of special education, and the district psychologist (the one person I had been asking for at our IEP meetings, and the one person they always failed to invited). And they really listened to us. And agreed with us. And...we prevailed. Like, really, truly prevailed. I still have a hard time believing we won, and am always waiting for the other shoe to drop, but thus far, everything has gone well.
Currently, we are touring private schools for K, and she is recieving home tutoring in the interim. Or, she was until our awesome tutor got selected to sit on a jury. Here's hoping K clicks with whomever we get next, just as well. School selection is taking a lot longer than I anticipated. I figured we'd bang out the tours, and pick one within a couple weeks. So far we've only toured one school (with another on the docket this week), and I've yet to even hear from several others (one of which I am really liking for K, inparticular). Next week is April vacation, so this is definitely not going as fast as I would like, but at least we have a plan.
At the end of the day, we did end up spending a good chunk of money on a really great advocate. Getting K into the right program is our priority, though, and even though no one likes to write a big check, it was more than worth it. We had a good case, but hiring someone who knew the ins and outs of the law, and who was a calm voice in a meeting (when all I wanted to do was scream and cry), was priceless.
Hopefully, we can move on and find a great school for K. Fingers crossed.
Just a bit.
To make a long story short, we went to battle with our school district over K's placement. We were just d-o-n-e, done. There were a few incidents, that for K's privacy I won't go into here, that completely and utterly broke down trust. She ended up being scared of going to school. Scared of saying anything to any adult at the school. There was a change in her demeanor, from the first few weeks when things seemed to be going well in her new class. Things happened that the school thought were not a big deal, that were the biggest deal to us. So, we hired an advocate, and pushed for out placement.
At first, things didn't go well. If there ever was an us vs. them moment, it was our last official IEP meeting. When the school chooses to bring legal counsel, you know the gloves are off, and working together, collaboratively, is off the table. At least, that's how we felt, as parents.
We spent a nail biting week, waiting for any response from our district. A week that literally almost sent me over the edge, and that's not an exaggeration. A week where things went downhill fast, and where I thought we'd end up living in a ran down by the river, because fighting for our child was probably going to cost us everything.
Our advocate is great, don't get me wrong, but I was still scared to death. We had a good case, but our distrcit wasn't reacting in the way everyone assumed they would. Our pediatrican had pulled K from school at this point, saying she was exhibiting signs of PTSD, and so I had a child out of school, and radio silence from the district. We did all we could to garner a response, and waited. I don't know how many years that one week took off my life, but I hazard to guess it's no small number.
But, then, miraculously, everything turned around. The Superintendent got involved, and we had an emergency meeting with her, the head of special education, and the district psychologist (the one person I had been asking for at our IEP meetings, and the one person they always failed to invited). And they really listened to us. And agreed with us. And...we prevailed. Like, really, truly prevailed. I still have a hard time believing we won, and am always waiting for the other shoe to drop, but thus far, everything has gone well.
Currently, we are touring private schools for K, and she is recieving home tutoring in the interim. Or, she was until our awesome tutor got selected to sit on a jury. Here's hoping K clicks with whomever we get next, just as well. School selection is taking a lot longer than I anticipated. I figured we'd bang out the tours, and pick one within a couple weeks. So far we've only toured one school (with another on the docket this week), and I've yet to even hear from several others (one of which I am really liking for K, inparticular). Next week is April vacation, so this is definitely not going as fast as I would like, but at least we have a plan.
At the end of the day, we did end up spending a good chunk of money on a really great advocate. Getting K into the right program is our priority, though, and even though no one likes to write a big check, it was more than worth it. We had a good case, but hiring someone who knew the ins and outs of the law, and who was a calm voice in a meeting (when all I wanted to do was scream and cry), was priceless.
Hopefully, we can move on and find a great school for K. Fingers crossed.
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