Monday, October 7, 2013

Facing the Cold, Hard, Truth.

Something has been on my mind a lot lately. Something unrelated to autism or epilepsy or, really, the kids in general. It's purely about me. Sounds superficial, but it's not. I've just been uncomfortable with myself. I've watched myself start to go down this road of self-imposed misery, and I don't like it. I've watched myself be mean, and callous, and judgemental. I've watched myself question others, without knowing their full story. Thinking I'm so much better. That I know more.

But I don't. 

I've found myself being mean, just to be mean. Just to push my own negative feelings onto someone else. Break them down. I've gossiped. I've made assumptions. I've done stuff a 36 year old woman shouldn't do. Ever. Something I should have left behind 20 years ago. I've looked for fault in people, when I should have reflected on myself, instead. Am I someone *I'd* even want to be around? 


It's easy to say you are going to turn over a new leaf. That you can just turn off that "mean" switch, and be a better person. But, it's hard. We're all human, and with that comes the innate ability to fail, and fail hard. I just really don't want to be this person anymore. 

I want to give people the benefit of the doubt. I want to build relationships and friendships, and not help create toxic environments. I don't want my own insecurities, and negativity, to permeate every aspect of my life. 

I want to be happy. Not cynical. Not hateful. Not sad, or angry, or jealous, or envious, or vengeful. Just happy. 

I really just don't like the person I've allowed myself to become, lately. I don't like that I've backed down from being my own own, strong, woman...and let outside influences hang a dark cloud over my life. Of course, it's my choice to stand under that cloud, so it's time to step away. It's not the example I want to set for my kids, and it's not how I want to be remembered. 

Change doesn't happen overnight. A lot of things are changing in my life right now, and I feel like a new chapter is beginning. I'm ready to close the book on the last one, and bring only positive energy to my world. Sure, it won't be easy, but it's something I have to do. Something I want to do. 

Wish me luck. Jen 2.0 starts now.



  1. With this admission, I'd say you are WELL on your way. Congratulations on seeing the path you were walking and having the strength to make yourself do something about it. I hope if I find myself on the same path, I have half the courage you do.