But I don't.
I've found myself being mean, just to be mean. Just to push my own negative feelings onto someone else. Break them down. I've gossiped. I've made assumptions. I've done stuff a 36 year old woman shouldn't do. Ever. Something I should have left behind 20 years ago. I've looked for fault in people, when I should have reflected on myself, instead. Am I someone *I'd* even want to be around?
It's easy to say you are going to turn over a new leaf. That you can just turn off that "mean" switch, and be a better person. But, it's hard. We're all human, and with that comes the innate ability to fail, and fail hard. I just really don't want to be this person anymore.
I want to give people the benefit of the doubt. I want to build relationships and friendships, and not help create toxic environments. I don't want my own insecurities, and negativity, to permeate every aspect of my life.
I want to be happy. Not cynical. Not hateful. Not sad, or angry, or jealous, or envious, or vengeful. Just happy.
I really just don't like the person I've allowed myself to become, lately. I don't like that I've backed down from being my own woman...my own, strong, woman...and let outside influences hang a dark cloud over my life. Of course, it's my choice to stand under that cloud, so it's time to step away. It's not the example I want to set for my kids, and it's not how I want to be remembered.
Change doesn't happen overnight. A lot of things are changing in my life right now, and I feel like a new chapter is beginning. I'm ready to close the book on the last one, and bring only positive energy to my world. Sure, it won't be easy, but it's something I have to do. Something I want to do.
Wish me luck. Jen 2.0 starts now.