For My Son

Dear B,

I never imagined myself having a boy, and wasn't quite sure what to think when the ultrasound showed, well, you. I knew girls. I understood girls. But a boy? What was I going to do with one? I knew nothing about sports, or trucks, or clothes that didn't come in pink.

But, I didn't need to know about any of those things. Why? Because you have become my teacher. You have led me on this wild, messy, wonderful journey of having a son. You want to learn everything, then share it with me. You have energy I wish I could bottle, and a laugh that can lift me from the deepest despair. I love your tight hugs, and I will continue to kiss you "a million times a day". Your face is just too sweet to resist. But, you already know that.

I know you march to the beat of your own drummer, and some might not appreciate that. I want you to know, that even when I am tired, and don't think I can hear one more fact about sperm whales, or MineCraft, I still love your spirit. I love everything about you. I wouldn't want you to change. Being different is a good thing. It will get you far. You are so smart, and think of things that would never enter my mind. One day, you will make an incredible crane operator/paleontologist.

My hope for you is that you continue to be comfortable in your own skin. You keep that confidence, and don't let others bring you down. That you remember what a great person you are. Those who think differently aren't worthy of your time.

I love you more than there are stars in the sky (and I am sure you will ask me how many stars are in the sky), and I will always be a person you can trust and rely on, even when life throws a bunch of dodgeballs at your head. No matter what, my love for you is unconditional. We have our ups and downs, and sometimes frustration gets the best of you, but just know, it's OK. I know this world can be difficult to navigate for a boy like you, but I will never get angry when you are struggling.

Having Aspergers means your brain is wired differently, but it doesn't mean that you are to blame for difficult times. I will never blame you for my own shortcomings as a parent. I will make mistakes, but I will always try to do better. I will never see you as broken, because you aren't. You are my perfect boy, and I love you to the moon and back, (and, yes, I'll "go ask Siri" how far that is).

Love,

Mom
xxoo

Go here to see the letter to my daughter. 

For My Daughter

Dear K,

I loved you before you were born. A kind of love I didn't know existed. In all my life, before you and B, I never loved anything, or anyone, so completely. So unconditionally. I could pick you out of a crowded room, blindfolded. You are the greatest thing I've done. No college degree, no fancy trip, no high paying job, could compare to the feeling I get when I see your face every morning. You and your brother are my loves.

My sunshines.

I want you to know, you are perfect to me. No diagnosis, no behavior, no struggle we encounter, will ever change how I feel. Sometimes, being autistic can make life a little more difficult, but I am right here with you, carrying you through. I will never be angry because of your autism. I will never wish you were someone different. I cannot imagine my life without you. I don't even want to try.

There are times when you get upset. Have a meltdown because things are too loud, or overwhelming. Because people aren't understanding you. Or because your anxiety has bubbled to the surface. I need you to know, I am not angry when you feel that way. I am not angry when you yell. I am not angry when you can't find the words, and your frustration boils over. I am not angry when you lash out. I know it's not purposeful. I know your brain is wired differently, and having to fit into our world all day, everyday, takes it's toll. I don't blame you when things get to be too much. I am here to help you, any way I can.

I also want you to know that you don't have to pretend. You don't have to struggle so hard to fit the stereotype of a "typical child". Feel comfortable just being you, and know I will always back you up, always fight for you, always be your biggest cheerleader, and always protect you.

There are people in the world who aren't so nice. Who bully. Who see your differences as something bad, and will want you to change. I wish people like this didn't exist, but they do. Just remember, these people are wrong. They are not worth your time.

Nothing will ever happen to make me stop loving you. My life is better with you in it, and every day, when I see your sweet face, I am reminded how lucky I am.

I wish that I could promise you an easy life, but no one is promised that. What I will promise is that I will always be someone you can count on, and someone you never have to fear. I accept everything you are, and look forward to following you on this journey. Your dreams belong to you.



Love,

Mom
xxoo

Go here to see the letter to my son.