It's Friday. School vacation week is winding down, but things here are winding up. I saw it coming yesterday. K was very agitated. Easily upset. Frustrated over everything. The anxiety was taking over. Taking my girl away.
As much as she isn't a fan of school, she needs that routine. No matter how hard we try, we just can't duplicate it at home. It just doesn't happen. Especially with three other people, with three different schedules, and three different sets of needs. I tried to plan things that K would enjoy. I made sure we alwasy had the iPod and iPad. We had back-up plans. Exit strategies. I was on high alert.
But, none of it really matters. I can't make everything OK. I can't immeidately remove her from every not-so-great sitution. This is reality, and reality is anything but predictable.
I have been browsing this site, lately. It's something that has been mentioned to me a few times, and it's a program we'd like to see used in Katie's educational setting. Is it the answer we've been looking for? Will it be the thing that finally settles my child's world?
I don't know. But I do know it has to be better than what we are all doing now.
A 9 year old shouldn't be depressed.
Filled with anxiety.
Feeling that everything she does is wrong, and that no one likes her.
She shouldn't feel like the world is spinning out of her control.
The future scares me, if we keep going on this path.
We have an IEP meeting next Friday. It's make or break. It's all come down to this one meeting.
I am hoping that when we exit the conference room, we'll be on a path where Defcon 5 is a thing of the past. Where I am not typing from my bedroom because I am "hiding out" with my girl, who can't handle much of anything at the moment.
My kids are my world. I will go to the ends of the earth for them. I wish I could share everything, but, for now, that's just not possible.
I hope that this time next week, I am bringing you some better news.
Fingers crossed.
Friday, February 22, 2013
Wednesday, February 6, 2013
You Gotta Keep 'Em Separated
I know I've been a total blog slacker. A lot of things have been going on, but I am not at liberty to talk about them publicly. At least, not yet. You know, since whenever I write anything on any blog, I am under the scrutiny of whomever thinks it's OK to run to the school with printed out pages, as though I'm writing a new edition of Mein Kampf.
But, I digress...
Today I actually have something important to say. It's something I've probably written about before, but a posting on an online message board compelled me to talk about it again.
So, simply stated,
What happens at school needs to stay at school, and what happens at home needs to stay at home.
Example: Your child's behavior is especially challenging at home. You speak to the school and decide that how your child behaves at home dictates whether or not he earns stickers on his chart at school.
NO.
(Hmmm, was that too blunt?)
The consequences a child faces due to behavior at home, must be kept at home. You can do your own sticker chart. Have him earn things for making good choices. But it has to only be done at home. I am not sure how often this type of thing happens, but it was brought up to me once, and I declined. I didn't want to blur the lines. I didn't want to confuse my child, as to why she was earning/not earning at school for things that didn't happen there. It's just too much.
This probably happens less than the next scenario, though. Punishing a child at home for something that happened at school. (Side bar: I don't like the word "punish". Our kids should have the opportunity to earn, not have things taken away. Positive discipline is key with Autism).
My daughter has a lot of behaviors at school, but they take care of the consequences for them there. Home has to to be a safe place. It has to be a place where she can come home after a long day, and escape. School is so hard for our kids. There is so much going on, and it's an overwhelming place. They work incredibly hard just to make it through the day, and sometimes things don't go perfectly. The school has a plan. They take care of it. My children have sticker charts, and opportunities to earn preferred activities. When things go very wrong, there is a plan for that, too.
What my children don't need is the expectation that once they get home, to the place where they should feel the most comfortable, I'll be waiting, angry. Ready to take something way. To yell. To make them feel worse. Nor do I think it's a good idea to have a child earn something based on behavior at school. Again, those line shouldn't be blurred.
Also, our kids aren't thinking about home when they are at school. They aren't saying to themselves, well, mom told me if I was really good today, I could go pick out that new toy. They are present in school, thinking about school, and we shouldn't add to that worries about earning/not earning at home. Talk about overload. Sometimes, I think parents expect more from their kids than they would themselves. We stress ourselves out trying to think about 100 things at a time, do we really want the same for our children? Our children who already have a hard enough time navigating the world?
Both of my kids have experienced bad days at school. Like, really bad days. But, once they come home, they know everything will be OK. They know I am there to help, to talk with, but never to make them feel worse. I never want them feeling scared of coming home. This will always be their safe haven.
I know a lot of people don't agree with me on this. I know a lot of parents don't make this separation. Just ask yourselves this: if you don't separate them, where is your child's safe place? Where can they relax and decompress? Where can they release some of that anxiety and worry, and just be? Try to imagine the feeling of chaos when nowhere is safe. Please don't do that to your child.
Please.
Just take a moment to think about it. That's all I ask.
*Steps off soapbox*
But, I digress...
Today I actually have something important to say. It's something I've probably written about before, but a posting on an online message board compelled me to talk about it again.
So, simply stated,
What happens at school needs to stay at school, and what happens at home needs to stay at home.
Example: Your child's behavior is especially challenging at home. You speak to the school and decide that how your child behaves at home dictates whether or not he earns stickers on his chart at school.
NO.
(Hmmm, was that too blunt?)
The consequences a child faces due to behavior at home, must be kept at home. You can do your own sticker chart. Have him earn things for making good choices. But it has to only be done at home. I am not sure how often this type of thing happens, but it was brought up to me once, and I declined. I didn't want to blur the lines. I didn't want to confuse my child, as to why she was earning/not earning at school for things that didn't happen there. It's just too much.
This probably happens less than the next scenario, though. Punishing a child at home for something that happened at school. (Side bar: I don't like the word "punish". Our kids should have the opportunity to earn, not have things taken away. Positive discipline is key with Autism).
My daughter has a lot of behaviors at school, but they take care of the consequences for them there. Home has to to be a safe place. It has to be a place where she can come home after a long day, and escape. School is so hard for our kids. There is so much going on, and it's an overwhelming place. They work incredibly hard just to make it through the day, and sometimes things don't go perfectly. The school has a plan. They take care of it. My children have sticker charts, and opportunities to earn preferred activities. When things go very wrong, there is a plan for that, too.
What my children don't need is the expectation that once they get home, to the place where they should feel the most comfortable, I'll be waiting, angry. Ready to take something way. To yell. To make them feel worse. Nor do I think it's a good idea to have a child earn something based on behavior at school. Again, those line shouldn't be blurred.
Also, our kids aren't thinking about home when they are at school. They aren't saying to themselves, well, mom told me if I was really good today, I could go pick out that new toy. They are present in school, thinking about school, and we shouldn't add to that worries about earning/not earning at home. Talk about overload. Sometimes, I think parents expect more from their kids than they would themselves. We stress ourselves out trying to think about 100 things at a time, do we really want the same for our children? Our children who already have a hard enough time navigating the world?
Both of my kids have experienced bad days at school. Like, really bad days. But, once they come home, they know everything will be OK. They know I am there to help, to talk with, but never to make them feel worse. I never want them feeling scared of coming home. This will always be their safe haven.
I know a lot of people don't agree with me on this. I know a lot of parents don't make this separation. Just ask yourselves this: if you don't separate them, where is your child's safe place? Where can they relax and decompress? Where can they release some of that anxiety and worry, and just be? Try to imagine the feeling of chaos when nowhere is safe. Please don't do that to your child.
Please.
Just take a moment to think about it. That's all I ask.
*Steps off soapbox*
Tuesday, January 15, 2013
I'm Ridiculous
So, the fake names I chose for the kids? Yeah, they weren't really working well. I just can't think of them as "Lily and Nate". I have been unable to use them on Twitter, since those I tweet with I have known a long time, and I can't just up and change my kid's names. I also guest blog other places, and I don't want to confuse people all over cyberspace.
So, my solution is just using initials. Not as anonymous as some think I should be, but it's what I feel comfortable doing. Hopefully this will be the last big change. Starting over is hard. I actually hate that I had to shut down my old blog, and start anew. It's something I still struggle with daily. I know it's my right to blog about anything I want, but it's not just about me. It's about my kids. I have to do what's best for them, and since there are those who would use certain things in my old blog against me, this is the way it has to be...
SO, that's it. Hopefully this will be less confusing for everyone, including me.
So, my solution is just using initials. Not as anonymous as some think I should be, but it's what I feel comfortable doing. Hopefully this will be the last big change. Starting over is hard. I actually hate that I had to shut down my old blog, and start anew. It's something I still struggle with daily. I know it's my right to blog about anything I want, but it's not just about me. It's about my kids. I have to do what's best for them, and since there are those who would use certain things in my old blog against me, this is the way it has to be...
SO, that's it. Hopefully this will be less confusing for everyone, including me.
Saturday, January 12, 2013
Relief
I'm breaking my "I won't talk about school" rule. I mean, we all knew it was bound to happen. It's just impossible to share our life without talking about the place my kids spend 6 hours a day.
And it's nothing bad.
I hope.
The week after Christmas break, K started in our district's self-contained autism class. Things had not been going well in her general ed class. Even with a 1:1, and tons of support, the bad days had just gotten too bad. Our team has been great, and it's not for lack of trying, but sometimes you just have to admit when something isn't working, and K being mainstreamed just wasn't.
I wasn't sure what to expect when the husband and I toured the class. I figured it would probably be similar to her regular class, just less kids. That assumptions is also what made me nervous, because I knew class-size wasn't the only difference we needed.
Thankfully, the class was nothing like I thought. Mainly, it's is very sectioned off. There could not be more places to take a break, or do work silently. They have it set up so that there should be no reason for K to bolt. She would never be standing there, deer-in-headlights, with no place to "hide". If she had an issue, there wouldn't be 20 sets of eye staring her down. There are cubicles, and a walled off space with bean bags, and only a few kids in one area at a time. There are sensory tables (K is a big fan of the rice table), and an iPad (though K has been bringing her iPod Touch to school), and just every opportunity to be calm, and stay calm.
In other words, it's made for kids on the spectrum.
Her class also goes to specials alone, which I am very happy about. I was worried they would be mixed with the general ed classes, and it would be too much. The only integrated time K has right now is lunch. Thus far, she has chosen to have quiet recesses inside, too, and I am so grateful they allow that.
I didn't think I'd see a change so quickly, but I really have. K is happy getting off the van at the end of the day. She has been playing with B a ton, as opposed to sitting alone in her room, needing mountains of space. She has been so much more engaged, and talkative, and present. School had been a huge source of anxiety for K. With most of it gone, everything is better.
Hopefully now we can move away from behavior management, and she can really take in what she is being taught at social group, or speech, or counseling. It's always just been trying to mitigate behaviors and anxiety and stress and aggression. For the first time, I see hope. I see her being able to focus on the coping skills, and the school work, and the social side of things. Really being able to get down to the nitty gritty and make progress. It's amazing what happens when a child finally feels safe, and relaxed.
Obviously, we might still be in the honeymoon period, but I am really hoping the good times continue. Everything in this class is so individualized (it is definitely not one size fits all), and I think they will tweak when they need to, and keep her on a positive path. Fingers crossed! I wish it hadn't taken this long to get her to a good place, but all I can do is look forward, and for the first time the future doesn't scare me to death.
And it's nothing bad.
I hope.
The week after Christmas break, K started in our district's self-contained autism class. Things had not been going well in her general ed class. Even with a 1:1, and tons of support, the bad days had just gotten too bad. Our team has been great, and it's not for lack of trying, but sometimes you just have to admit when something isn't working, and K being mainstreamed just wasn't.
I wasn't sure what to expect when the husband and I toured the class. I figured it would probably be similar to her regular class, just less kids. That assumptions is also what made me nervous, because I knew class-size wasn't the only difference we needed.
Thankfully, the class was nothing like I thought. Mainly, it's is very sectioned off. There could not be more places to take a break, or do work silently. They have it set up so that there should be no reason for K to bolt. She would never be standing there, deer-in-headlights, with no place to "hide". If she had an issue, there wouldn't be 20 sets of eye staring her down. There are cubicles, and a walled off space with bean bags, and only a few kids in one area at a time. There are sensory tables (K is a big fan of the rice table), and an iPad (though K has been bringing her iPod Touch to school), and just every opportunity to be calm, and stay calm.
In other words, it's made for kids on the spectrum.
Her class also goes to specials alone, which I am very happy about. I was worried they would be mixed with the general ed classes, and it would be too much. The only integrated time K has right now is lunch. Thus far, she has chosen to have quiet recesses inside, too, and I am so grateful they allow that.
I didn't think I'd see a change so quickly, but I really have. K is happy getting off the van at the end of the day. She has been playing with B a ton, as opposed to sitting alone in her room, needing mountains of space. She has been so much more engaged, and talkative, and present. School had been a huge source of anxiety for K. With most of it gone, everything is better.
Hopefully now we can move away from behavior management, and she can really take in what she is being taught at social group, or speech, or counseling. It's always just been trying to mitigate behaviors and anxiety and stress and aggression. For the first time, I see hope. I see her being able to focus on the coping skills, and the school work, and the social side of things. Really being able to get down to the nitty gritty and make progress. It's amazing what happens when a child finally feels safe, and relaxed.
Obviously, we might still be in the honeymoon period, but I am really hoping the good times continue. Everything in this class is so individualized (it is definitely not one size fits all), and I think they will tweak when they need to, and keep her on a positive path. Fingers crossed! I wish it hadn't taken this long to get her to a good place, but all I can do is look forward, and for the first time the future doesn't scare me to death.
Friday, January 4, 2013
Gifts
K's birthday is two weeks after Christmas. For any other kid, I am sure there would be a myriad of gifts Santa didn't bring to choose from.
Not so much with K.
I have barely finished patting myself on the back for figuring out things she'll actually use, and here I am thrown back into the lion's den.
So, I have decided that if one of something is good, two of something is even better.
One of the gifts K received was a Fijit. (Click on the link to see it in action)
She liked playing with it at the store, so I passed the idea on to a family member (yeah, that's another issue...coming up with gifts for everyone else to give her, too). I really had no idea if she'd actually play with it, but she loves it.
LOVES.IT.
Anything interactive is usually a go. If a toy doesn't do something, it's going to disappear into toy oblivion. Even the Barbie K got for Christmas is a bath toy that has a light up tail.
Anyway, the Fijit she has now is the purple one. Clearly she needs a friend, so for K's birthday she will be getting a pink one (or whichever one she chooses when she goes shopping with Grampa).
Heck, I could just have everyone buy her one, and we could "collect them all"!
Which, actually, is not a bad idea.
It's like buying the same shirt in five different colors. When you find something that fits well, and looks good, you might as well have one for each day of the week.
The same holds true when it comes to K and gifts. Sure, there are a million things *I* would love to buy for her, but I know she'll never use them. Another little thing you have to get over when your child has the big A.
But, seeing her happily playing with something makes it worthwhile. My husband knowing we didn't waste a ton of money on stuff that will be lost forever in the playroom...priceless.
Not so much with K.
I have barely finished patting myself on the back for figuring out things she'll actually use, and here I am thrown back into the lion's den.
So, I have decided that if one of something is good, two of something is even better.
One of the gifts K received was a Fijit. (Click on the link to see it in action)
She liked playing with it at the store, so I passed the idea on to a family member (yeah, that's another issue...coming up with gifts for everyone else to give her, too). I really had no idea if she'd actually play with it, but she loves it.
LOVES.IT.
Anything interactive is usually a go. If a toy doesn't do something, it's going to disappear into toy oblivion. Even the Barbie K got for Christmas is a bath toy that has a light up tail.
Anyway, the Fijit she has now is the purple one. Clearly she needs a friend, so for K's birthday she will be getting a pink one (or whichever one she chooses when she goes shopping with Grampa).
Heck, I could just have everyone buy her one, and we could "collect them all"!
Which, actually, is not a bad idea.
It's like buying the same shirt in five different colors. When you find something that fits well, and looks good, you might as well have one for each day of the week.
The same holds true when it comes to K and gifts. Sure, there are a million things *I* would love to buy for her, but I know she'll never use them. Another little thing you have to get over when your child has the big A.
But, seeing her happily playing with something makes it worthwhile. My husband knowing we didn't waste a ton of money on stuff that will be lost forever in the playroom...priceless.
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| Playing with "Willa" |
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