There Are Always Two Sides

When you read a person's blog, their tweets, their Facebook page, the important thing to remember is you are only getting one side of the story. No matter what you read, no matter the stories you are told, there is always another side you don't know about. Always.

A few years back, when I started blogging more about autism than my trips to Target, we were in a dark time. K's aggression was at it's height. I won't go into details about things that happened, but at one point I thought K and I were going to have to move out. It was time when we made appointments with every doctor and therapist we could. When we had IEP meetings every month. When I felt so defeated, I wondered how I'd make it through the day.

And I wrote about it on my blog. I went into far too many details, not thinking twice about my daughter's privacy, or how the world was going to view here through reading my blog. Of course, I had people emailing me their sympathies. I had people tweeting me, and supporting me on FB. No one ever asked what the other side was. Why K was having such behaviors. What we were going to figure it out, or, yes, what part my husband and I played in the situation. People didn't think about K. I didn't think about K. I thought about myself, and how hard my life was, and that was all I wrote about. Looking back, I see what a huge part I played in making those days so dark. How horribly I handled things. How I ran us all ragged with those doctors and therapist appointments. How I was basically telling my child through my actions how bad she was, and how she was ruining all our lives.

At the time, I didn't see it that way. If someone had asked for the other side of the story, or tried to make me think differently, I probably would have cut them out of my life. I said how much I hated autism. How it was a parasite that was keeping K from being who she was truly meant to be. I did everything in my power to fix her. We spent every spare dollar we had trying to remove autism, and that's no exaggeration. We couldn't afford much else, especially since a lot of things at the time weren't covered by insurance. I barely saw my husband because I was gone 4-5 nights a week with K. My marriage suffered. My son was dragged along to appointment after appointment. It consumed my life...trying to break K free from the big A.

During those years, admittedly, it was all about me. How I felt. What I was doing. How hard life was for me. I was living in a world of self-pity. I was a martyr for the cause.

It's difficult, reflecting back on those years. I spent so much time trying to change my child, I never stopped to wonder if she really needed to be changed. I didn't stop to see how hard life was for her. I didn't take two seconds to see how the decisions I made were affecting my child. What wasn't working. What was best for her, even if it didn't align with the gold standard of autism treatments. I take a lot of responsibility for those years, now. Most of the responsibility. I probably deserve it all.

I'm ashamed at how long it took me to just leave my child alone, and be who she is. She doesn't have to be typical to be a enjoyed. She hasn't been taken hostage by autism. I've learned to listen to her, spoken word and not. I used to blame our old speech therapist for dropping K as a client bc of her behavior issues, but the thing is, K was telling us all that it just wasn't working anymore. I was too stubborn to listen. Behavior is communication. Always. I just never listened. I knew best. I was the mom.

K still has her days. The difference is, I just let her be. Forcing anything always makes things more difficult, and autism isn't something to be conquered. It's just how her brain is wired. We tend to personify it, making it something it isn't, and that's what gets us in trouble. Autism is a word we use to describe a certain type of neurology, but it's not alive. It's not doing anything to anyone. It's not evil. It's not some separate entity we can kill off, no matter what some people believe.

Here's the thing, we all have our own opinions about autism, and that's fine, but only if our kids are safe. The second we start doing things to our children that are potentially harmful, burning ourselves out to fix them, making them feel like they are less, then it's not fine. Our children, no matter how severe, are people. Human beings, with thoughts and feelings and emotions. They have a side of the story, too, and it isn't just about us as parents. We have to be honest about our kids, our shortcomings, and what is really beneficial.

I never thought I'd be on this side. I never thought I'd step away from hating autism. I rallied against it for so long, and I did cut people out of my life who I thought were judging my parenting. I was angry, and lost, and depressed...and I made myself that way. And it was never my child's fault. We choose how  we live, and we can't live in such a negative space forever. If we do, then things like last week happen, and they just can't.

I also want you to be aware of how those not in the autism community view us. I was reading a People article today about the incident last week, and I was sickened by some of the comments. How, after reading this mother's blog, some believed she should be freed. That it was completely understandable, trying to kill your child in that situation. That one side they read, her words, made them think she hadn't even committed a crime. Her life had been so hard, all because of her autistic daughter. No mention of what that child went through. It's easy to say these things when we don't see both parties equally, as human beings. When one is seen as damaged, and less.. Because that is how these people see Issy. As less. As having done something to make her mother attempt murder. It's all her fault.

And I say again, there are two sides of every story.

TWO.

When the outside world (and even those inside) think a mother shouldn't be punished for trying to kill her child, because autism is so awful, and her life was so hard, then we have failed as a community. We need to stop fighting one another, and work together to keep every child safe. They should be our #1 priority. I hope we can all agree on that. You can continue to hate autism, and send that message to the world, but just realize how that message shapes the opinions of others. Stop and decide what message you really want to send, and how much our children are worth.

For My Son

Dear B,

I never imagined myself having a boy, and wasn't quite sure what to think when the ultrasound showed, well, you. I knew girls. I understood girls. But a boy? What was I going to do with one? I knew nothing about sports, or trucks, or clothes that didn't come in pink.

But, I didn't need to know about any of those things. Why? Because you have become my teacher. You have led me on this wild, messy, wonderful journey of having a son. You want to learn everything, then share it with me. You have energy I wish I could bottle, and a laugh that can lift me from the deepest despair. I love your tight hugs, and I will continue to kiss you "a million times a day". Your face is just too sweet to resist. But, you already know that.

I know you march to the beat of your own drummer, and some might not appreciate that. I want you to know, that even when I am tired, and don't think I can hear one more fact about sperm whales, or MineCraft, I still love your spirit. I love everything about you. I wouldn't want you to change. Being different is a good thing. It will get you far. You are so smart, and think of things that would never enter my mind. One day, you will make an incredible crane operator/paleontologist.

My hope for you is that you continue to be comfortable in your own skin. You keep that confidence, and don't let others bring you down. That you remember what a great person you are. Those who think differently aren't worthy of your time.

I love you more than there are stars in the sky (and I am sure you will ask me how many stars are in the sky), and I will always be a person you can trust and rely on, even when life throws a bunch of dodgeballs at your head. No matter what, my love for you is unconditional. We have our ups and downs, and sometimes frustration gets the best of you, but just know, it's OK. I know this world can be difficult to navigate for a boy like you, but I will never get angry when you are struggling.

Having Aspergers means your brain is wired differently, but it doesn't mean that you are to blame for difficult times. I will never blame you for my own shortcomings as a parent. I will make mistakes, but I will always try to do better. I will never see you as broken, because you aren't. You are my perfect boy, and I love you to the moon and back, (and, yes, I'll "go ask Siri" how far that is).

Love,

Mom
xxoo

Go here to see the letter to my daughter. 

For My Daughter

Dear K,

I loved you before you were born. A kind of love I didn't know existed. In all my life, before you and B, I never loved anything, or anyone, so completely. So unconditionally. I could pick you out of a crowded room, blindfolded. You are the greatest thing I've done. No college degree, no fancy trip, no high paying job, could compare to the feeling I get when I see your face every morning. You and your brother are my loves.

My sunshines.

I want you to know, you are perfect to me. No diagnosis, no behavior, no struggle we encounter, will ever change how I feel. Sometimes, being autistic can make life a little more difficult, but I am right here with you, carrying you through. I will never be angry because of your autism. I will never wish you were someone different. I cannot imagine my life without you. I don't even want to try.

There are times when you get upset. Have a meltdown because things are too loud, or overwhelming. Because people aren't understanding you. Or because your anxiety has bubbled to the surface. I need you to know, I am not angry when you feel that way. I am not angry when you yell. I am not angry when you can't find the words, and your frustration boils over. I am not angry when you lash out. I know it's not purposeful. I know your brain is wired differently, and having to fit into our world all day, everyday, takes it's toll. I don't blame you when things get to be too much. I am here to help you, any way I can.

I also want you to know that you don't have to pretend. You don't have to struggle so hard to fit the stereotype of a "typical child". Feel comfortable just being you, and know I will always back you up, always fight for you, always be your biggest cheerleader, and always protect you.

There are people in the world who aren't so nice. Who bully. Who see your differences as something bad, and will want you to change. I wish people like this didn't exist, but they do. Just remember, these people are wrong. They are not worth your time.

Nothing will ever happen to make me stop loving you. My life is better with you in it, and every day, when I see your sweet face, I am reminded how lucky I am.

I wish that I could promise you an easy life, but no one is promised that. What I will promise is that I will always be someone you can count on, and someone you never have to fear. I accept everything you are, and look forward to following you on this journey. Your dreams belong to you.



Love,

Mom
xxoo

Go here to see the letter to my son. 

For The Children

A few months ago THIS happened. I blogged about it HERE.

And everyone was angry. People came out to condemn these woman for killing Alex. A man-child, with severe autism. How could anyone do that, we asked? There is always another way. I read blog post after blog post about how wrong murder was, regardless of the situation. Alex deserved justice.

Then, two days ago, THIS happened.

And suddenly, those same bloggers, those same autism parents, backed down.

This woman tweeted. She has a blog. A Facebook page. People had spoken to her online a couple times. She couldn't possible be a monster. Not like Alex's mom, whom they had all rushed to vilify day one.

Now, I am not speaking in this mother's defense. Far from it. What made me almost more sick than the actual situation, was the reaction within the autism community. That there must be more to the story, some other explanation, because this mother tried to help her daughter.

And Alex's mom tried to help her son.

But Alex's mother didn't have a blog. She wasn't sending messages on social media. Easier to condemn that way.

The truth is, I don't care what is going on in your life, murder is never, ever, ever the answer. I have been there with aggression. I have friends who have gone through worse things than either of these two families. Murder is never on the table.

It is the most selfish thing, taking someone's life. Trying or taking your own. Giving up so completely, you'd rather kill your child than do anything else. Than move. Than continue to fight. Than seek help for yourself, and not just your child. Loving your child means going to the ends of the earth to help them, regardless of how hard it is for you. They come first. That's the deal we all make when we decide to be parents. If you can't do that, you give up your right to be a parent. Even that is better than murder.

I get depression. I get not being able to get out of bed in the morning because life can be so.damn.hard. I get watching your family be torn apart because of your child's diagnosis. I get fighting the school so hard, you aren't sure you'll ever recover from the trauma. I personally get all those things, although none of them are the fault of our children. They cannot be blamed for our shortcomings as caregivers, or our inability to handle a life different from what we imagined. There is no way to justify killing, or trying to kill, your child. It is cowardly. It makes you a bad parent. There is no way around it.

The fact is, these kids need help. They need people to stand up for them, and find ways to  keep them safe. There has to be a safe haven.

Sunday, from Extreme Parenthood, said it well HERE.

I am not expert in changing or making laws. I don't know how to make a Safe Haven law for older kids. I think you need to start at the beginning, though, contacting your Senators and Representatives. Making phone calls. Sending emails. Harassing them. Not stopping until they talk to you. Being heard.

It's incredibly sad there are children that need to be protected from those who should love and care for them most, but that is reality.

Alex, Issy, all the other children murdered because of their autism...they need our voices to speak for them, now.

If you ever find yourself in a situation where hurting your child feels like the only way out, please, please, I beg you, call your own doctor. Reach out to others in the community! Anyone would be happy to talk, for hours on end, if it meant keeping your child safe. I don't care how hard it is to ask, ASK! There is always another way. Heck, contact me. I'll come to your house and help you myself, or find someone who can! No, there isn't a magical solution, and laws won't change tomorrow, granting parents unlimited resources for their child. While we fight for those things, we need to be here for one another. Let other parents know, murder is never the answer.

It does take a village, and maybe sometimes it can see really lonely, but please ask for help. Stop and look at the face of your sweet child, and know there is always another way.

Most Imporantly

The first day of school, B came home with a sheet of paper meant for me to write his likes/dislikes, strengths/weaknesses. I filled out both sides, just with general information, but I felt something was missing. Something that really got down to the nitty-gritty of what I wanted his teacher to know. School has never been easy, for either kid. We've had more than our fair share of struggles. I really just wanted to get a certain point across. More than "B likes dinosaurs and talking".

So, after filling out both sides of the initial sheet (which, btw, was really only meant to be filled out on one side), I took out a piece of notebook paper and added page three.

 Most importantly,  I never want B to feel that something is “wrong” with him. I think sometimes therapy, and constant redirection, can make our special children feel they are not good enough. It's a fine line between helping them cope and be successful, and making them feel they need to change everything about themselves. 

B has Aspergers. He will always have Aspergers. I want him to feel proud, and not that he is less of a person because of any diagnosis. I want him to find a place of happiness and contentment in life. I never want him to feel he needs to change who is to be "normal". 

Of course, there are behaviors he needs to learn to mitigate better, but I don't want him thinking his struggles make him a bad kid. Maybe if we focus on his strengths, the self-confidence he builds will help temper the "weaknesses". 

I'm sure you didn't expect parents to take up several pages talking about their child. I just really need you to know that B is a great kid. No, I don't think my child hung the moon, but I also don't think he is in any way damaged. I think he has incredible strengths that can be overlooked because of a meltdown, or social issue, and those "weaknesses" shouldn't be the focus.

As you can tell, I am passionate about this. No one is perfect, and we all continue to work on ourselves. I just never want B to feel bad because of his neurology. I've been through it with my daughter, and want to keep B from ever feeling that way.

I've heard from other parents that you are the perfect teacher for B, and I'm excited about this year. Thanks for taking the time to read everything I wrote. I appreciate it more than you know. 

So, that's it. I truly hope she takes everything I wrote to heart, and doesn't view me as some whacked out parent. Honestly, I haven't yet moved away from last year (which, if you don't know, did not go well for either kid), but I am also not going in thinking this year will be the same. I can't. I have to hold onto hope that things will be different. That we've all learned from the past, and want to makes things better. Some might call me naive, but I'm not ready to give up. Maybe this year will be the year things go smoothly, and everyone works together for the good of both my children. I have to hold on to that possibility, because the alternative...well, I can't think about that only a few days in.